Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Major whining

I have tried to keep off my blog with whining but today is one of these days and I need a friendly place to whine...

Starting with the most important: DH's and mine relationship. I have the feeling that we are getting nowhere. Things have changed so much during those 6 years that our relationship doesn't even vaguely resemble the one we had. 6 years ago DH said he liked traveling, drinking wine from time to time, socializing, etc. Now he says he is "homely" whatever it means and has no interest in anything except for sitting in front of the TV. I am 27 and feel like 72. A very cranky 72, mind you. He says if I wish to have a "life" I should have thought about it before we had DD. Does life really end with getting a child? Somehow I don't think so. I think it's his cheap way of explaining the fact that HE doesn't want to do anything. No friends, no parties, no alcohol, no traveling, no sex. Yeah, that's what I've dreamt of my whole life... If I start talking about anything like that he tries to push me to feel guilty for wanting those. You know - if I say I would like a glass of wine for dinner, I get to know that I'm an alcoholic, if I say it would be nice to go to a party every two months or so, I'm a junkie, if I want to travel - I am wasting his money, if I want sex - I'm a psycho.

I'm so ready to leave this relationship, but he does love DD and takes good care of her and I couldn't do it to her. Fighting doesn't make any change really. He might admit in the end that he needs to take care of our relationship and it promptly gets forgotten. I am sick of fighting when it doesn't change anything.

I am planning an alone holiday in Vienna - just a couple of days to have fun all alone. I will leave DD with DH at home and visit my friend. DH does not approve, but I don't care. I don't think it will be possible before November though. And I know how it will go, I will go there, have fun and then will feel even worse at home. The cage will close again... Until the next time I will run away for a couple of days (I would like to see London again)

Second crisis field is my charity work. The project grew immensely and is now generating do much work that I cannot keep up. I feel constantly guilty about not having done enough, having forgotten something... It has to change, I start school in October and can't go on like this. I have already talked with some people who are willing to help. Now I just need to come up with a good solution to communication problems, a plan of action, etc. And of course while working on a general concept I fell behind with the everyday work and feel guilty again.

DD is not easy either. She is 10 months old and have recently started showing character. If she doesn't like something she will scream and hit and spit and fight. I know it's normal but somehow I hoped it will come later. I'm not ready for that yet. I have no real plan of her upbringing, still have some books to read, some thinking to do. And I hate fighting with her and DH and the outside world in the same time. Not mentioning that my Mom gets on my nerves as well, telling me I have to do SOMETHING with DD and her temper tantrums. Yeah, right, Mom, I can shoot her. 100% sure she won't get them then. Because you know 10 months is way too old for temper tantrums.

Next week my school starts and it's Masters program so I guess it will be more difficult than anything I've done before.

Mid October I have to travel to Warsaw to take part in the TV show and talk about my charity project. I have never been in the TV and to tell you the truth I'm scared to death. How do you bribe your skin to stay clean in mid October?

My gym routine doesn't get any better. I manage to go twice a week, but I should 3-4 times a week. I just feel so lazy in the morning and often just stay at home instead of going. I hate feeling so lazy and I have gained weight again. I stopped posting my weight, because it got too depressing.

Sorry for whining, I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day...

Saturday, September 18, 2004

I am set on my blog title.

I have finally decided on the title of my blog. The weeks of souls searching were right, I found what I was looking for. It's not going to change any more.

Amber Route has a huge symbolic meaning to me. I think I will devote a separate post to it, but just for the moment it's because of my love for amber and my physical and inner traveling and a sense of non-belonging.

Friday, September 17, 2004

How big is your plate?

Thank you Annette for this great question.

My plate is a standard size dinner plate. It's pale blue with a modern dark blue design, which you never get to see anyway, as the plate is usually full...

Some years ago I noticed that I usually tend to achieve ca. 75% of my goals. No matter how many I set. So I have started setting lots of goals, just to achieve more. It usually works well for me. Sometimes things do slip though and life gets more difficult.

The most of my plate at the moment is occupied by my family. DD and DH are definitely the wto most important people in my life and I spend most of my time caring for them. Well, at least for DD. I'm not good at housework and do not spend enough time on it, there's definitely a lot of place for an improvement here.

My second most important zone is my charity project. It has overgrown the allocated space immensly and is now reaching the family property, my me time property and hanging over the endge of the plate. What I started as a small cross-stitching and quilting project has now well over hundred stitchers and over 20 quilters involved. It has been covered by local tv, nation wide radio station, many local newspapers and some women's magazines (including stitching ones). Whereas I am proud and happy that it has been growing so well, more and more often I feel guilty about it. I SHOULD be devoting more time to it. I SHOULD be keeping the website more actual. I SHOULD take care of this and that, bring new ideas, solve problems, get everything done in time. And I don't, so I feel guilty. Great. I know things should change here, especially as on Oct 9 my school starts and I will have even less time. And my wishful thinking that maybe then I will have done most of the things and will have less to do is just that. Wishful thinking. Keeping this project up is a part time job, I'm not sure if I'm willing to do it forever. But no matter what I am willing or not willing to do, there's no one who would take it over, so I have to continue doing it. All I can do is to think about making things easier and quicker for me. At least here I can whine about it and I won't hear "YOu should be happy it's been growing so well" immediately. I am so fed up with hearing what I should from people who do NOTHING, except for critisizing.

Next part of the plate is school. At the moment I am between my Bachelor's and Mater's studies, so I enjoy not having to work for school, but it's coming back soon enough and I would like to repeat some material before the school starts. I am going to devote at least 1 hour per day until October to reading.

Another part is me and my hobbies. Of course cross-stitching. Horse riding, when I can do it. Reading, when I find time (recently not at all). There's not much to say about those, except that I have too little time for them at the moment and I'm not happy about it. The most recent discovery are my first trials at designing, here's an example: My ornie
It's not as pretty as I would like it to be, but it's mine, from scratch.

On the edge, there are my cats, all 9 of them. I do not enjoy breeding as much as I did before getting pg with DD, but I guess it will come back with time. It has been mostly DH who has been caring for them and somehow I slightly lost the band I had with my cats. I'm sure it's going to come back, though. We just need time and better organization.

To stay sane I need to walk. I go for walks with DD for at least 1,5 hours a day, usually much longer and I love it! I couldn't live without walking, walking, walking. The fields, the forest, the meadows, I just love them. I wish we yould live somewhere in the mountains, this would make even more fun.

I think that would be it.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Wednesday Weigh-In #4

76,7 kg.

Back to square 1. I haven't been to the gym for one week, have been eating like crazy (sweets, sweets and sweets) and AF is here big time.

Now, you know. I feel fat and ugly and would love to stay in bed the whole day. I have had such a bad week, although in the end everything worked out and I was able to enroll at the university (I don't know yet if I will be accepted, they are going to let everyone know at Sep 8th, but the lady said that with my grades I should be accepted without any problems). But the stress, AF and a small cold resulted in such a bad mood that I have been eating sweets by packages.

I will have to start my journey once more. How I hate when it happens!!! There must be a way to stop this stress related feeding!

And I just got to know that there's not going to be any Mommy & Me group until January. I feel DD needs some kind of contact with other babies and maybe some exercise to help her developpment. I will have to look at other providers, although they all get their money cut (Berlin is in big financial trouble) so it might turn out to be really difficult...