Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Major whining

I have tried to keep off my blog with whining but today is one of these days and I need a friendly place to whine...

Starting with the most important: DH's and mine relationship. I have the feeling that we are getting nowhere. Things have changed so much during those 6 years that our relationship doesn't even vaguely resemble the one we had. 6 years ago DH said he liked traveling, drinking wine from time to time, socializing, etc. Now he says he is "homely" whatever it means and has no interest in anything except for sitting in front of the TV. I am 27 and feel like 72. A very cranky 72, mind you. He says if I wish to have a "life" I should have thought about it before we had DD. Does life really end with getting a child? Somehow I don't think so. I think it's his cheap way of explaining the fact that HE doesn't want to do anything. No friends, no parties, no alcohol, no traveling, no sex. Yeah, that's what I've dreamt of my whole life... If I start talking about anything like that he tries to push me to feel guilty for wanting those. You know - if I say I would like a glass of wine for dinner, I get to know that I'm an alcoholic, if I say it would be nice to go to a party every two months or so, I'm a junkie, if I want to travel - I am wasting his money, if I want sex - I'm a psycho.

I'm so ready to leave this relationship, but he does love DD and takes good care of her and I couldn't do it to her. Fighting doesn't make any change really. He might admit in the end that he needs to take care of our relationship and it promptly gets forgotten. I am sick of fighting when it doesn't change anything.

I am planning an alone holiday in Vienna - just a couple of days to have fun all alone. I will leave DD with DH at home and visit my friend. DH does not approve, but I don't care. I don't think it will be possible before November though. And I know how it will go, I will go there, have fun and then will feel even worse at home. The cage will close again... Until the next time I will run away for a couple of days (I would like to see London again)

Second crisis field is my charity work. The project grew immensely and is now generating do much work that I cannot keep up. I feel constantly guilty about not having done enough, having forgotten something... It has to change, I start school in October and can't go on like this. I have already talked with some people who are willing to help. Now I just need to come up with a good solution to communication problems, a plan of action, etc. And of course while working on a general concept I fell behind with the everyday work and feel guilty again.

DD is not easy either. She is 10 months old and have recently started showing character. If she doesn't like something she will scream and hit and spit and fight. I know it's normal but somehow I hoped it will come later. I'm not ready for that yet. I have no real plan of her upbringing, still have some books to read, some thinking to do. And I hate fighting with her and DH and the outside world in the same time. Not mentioning that my Mom gets on my nerves as well, telling me I have to do SOMETHING with DD and her temper tantrums. Yeah, right, Mom, I can shoot her. 100% sure she won't get them then. Because you know 10 months is way too old for temper tantrums.

Next week my school starts and it's Masters program so I guess it will be more difficult than anything I've done before.

Mid October I have to travel to Warsaw to take part in the TV show and talk about my charity project. I have never been in the TV and to tell you the truth I'm scared to death. How do you bribe your skin to stay clean in mid October?

My gym routine doesn't get any better. I manage to go twice a week, but I should 3-4 times a week. I just feel so lazy in the morning and often just stay at home instead of going. I hate feeling so lazy and I have gained weight again. I stopped posting my weight, because it got too depressing.

Sorry for whining, I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day...

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