Saturday, November 20, 2004

Downhill ride...

Another bad day... Maybe even worse than normal.

We quarreled again in the evening and I am not even crying. I think I have no more tears. When will he understand that I am short before leaving? When will he take our relationship serious? Does he really think that bringing me tea is going to save our marriage?

And it's always about the same thing. I am 27 and feel at least 72, although I know some 80-year-olds with a more vivid lifestyle. If not now, then when??? I have been living this life for 5,5 years, always hoping that it's only temporary. When we have more money, things will change, when I stop working crazy hours things will change, when we have a baby things will change. I guess these illusions are lost once and for all. Nothing's gonna change. Nothing.

I haven't been to the cinema for 2 years.
I haven't been to a concert for 4 years.
I haven't been to an exhibition for 7 years.
I haven't been to a classical music concert for 8 years.
I haven't been to a theater for 6 years.
I haven't been to a party for 4,5 years.
I haven't been on holiday with DH for 5 years.

Add the no sex and no alcohol rule and you have a perfect picture of my life.

On the top DH is always trying to make me look like a junkie because I want all those. You know if you have sex with your DH you are a mitomaniac, if you drink 1 glass of red wine on Sundays you are an alcoholic, if you go to a party 2 times in a year, you are a... Well, you know. Cinema is waste of money, opera and art exhibitions are for idiots, concerts are too expensive and holiday is never possible (you know we have cats and if my brother was watching them they would surely all die immediately). Oh, I forgot sport, it's for total idiots.

You can watch TV and play computer games. Just a pity I abhore both (I have generally nothing against those two, I just don't enjoy it at all).

Oh, I forgot that it's my fault that we are not going anywhere. I shpuld choose something hid royal higness will enjoy, take care of baby-sitters, get the tickets and wait for a moment of good mood to offer them to DH. So if you didn't know, it's all my fault.

I just got to know also that we cannot afford consueling. Because, you know, divorce in Germany is much cheaper (not).

If not for DD, I would leave now. But DH loves her and I've seen his relationship with a child that does not live with him. He doesn't care at all for DSS. The same would happen with DD if I left. So it's mine happiness or hers. I have no choice, hers comes first, she did not asked to be born. The choice of the father was my mistake not hers and I have to carry the consequences. At least until she's 18. Until then I have to watch how I can make my life bearable and try to go out more by myself. Maybe with time I get used to being on my own more and will actually enjoy it. At the moment I am too busy with thinking about how unhappy I am to enjoy anything at all, but this has to change. I hope that this every Thursday "date" with S. and K. will be a good start. It's so hard to find nice companions to go out together and enjoy art exhibitions, etc. Everyone is doing it with their DH or boyfriend, or at least it seems so. But I guess it's not impossible, so I have to start trying, otherwise my unhappiness will start affecting DD.


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