Monday, December 13, 2004

Year 2004 Review

2004 has been a very challanging year, this kind of year one remembers all life long. I only hope I have managed to learn from the things that happened and won't repeat the same mistakes. So here comes my year 2004 review:

1. I settled down in my role of DD's mother. It still ain't easy, but I feel much better about her and me now. My post-partum depression vanished around New Year and I have been feeling quite alright since.

2. I lost 28 pounds. It has not been easy and I still have a long way to go to my goal, but at least I am now within healthy BMI range. Quite an accomplishment.

3. I got my Bachelor Degree in Busisness Management in July. I am really happy about it!

4. I started my Master program in Computer Studies in September, it will go on until March 06.

I started my charity project in March and gave it up in November. I enjoyed working for it and putting my own ideas into real life, but I made the mistake of sharing the responsibility. It didn't work out and I decided to step back after only 3 weeks we had been working together. It all ended in a huge war and left everyone feeling hurted and betrayed. Definitely not something I would like to repeat. Shall I ever do anything like that I will watch carefully with whom I am going to do it, try to get to know the people personally, won't have high hopes that they will understand me. At best I would keep it small enough to be manageable by one person.

Except for feeling hurt and betrayed by people I considered friends, the work was too much for me. It was not only the actual work, but also the constant thinking about the project that was eating up my resources. I kept trying to make the project bigger, better, well-known, etc. This is definitely not the way to go for me. Somewhere on the way, we lost something important. Mostly we discussed patterns, finished squares, etc. The children were somewhere in the background, for most of the participants, they were not even real. That was bothering me big time, but I did not manage to change that. I made an attempt to change things, but that was the real reason for our fight. The people who were supposed to help me, didn't want the changes. When they said it's not my project any more and changed the passwords, I decided to step back. Indeed it was not my project any more. Even if each and every idea and piece of work was mine. Still I think that going on with the war would only harm the project, something I didn't want to.

I have problems with communicating my thoughts in real life and I think this might have been the problem in the project as well. I kept my thinking about the children and their parents to myself and didn't even try to communicate it. When I finally tried, I didn't get understood. I couldn't go on keeing everything to myself though. I was on the edge of paranoia already. I was almost 100% sure DD must have some kind of lethal, undiscovered disease. I decided against having another baby, for fear that having two healthy children in statistically impossible... Insane, I know, but there was no one to talk to, no one who could really understand, no one who would care... My "friends" expected that I go on forever. They didn't want to hear my own fears, thought, concerns... That was the reason for blogging in the first place.
I still have moments when I think that I have to do things for the project, I still keep having ideas how to solve problems.

But I have much more free ressources now to pursue different goals. I stopped reading anything about sick children and my psycho thoughts are disappearing. I have more time for my stitching. I enjoy learning more. I do not fel constantly guilty that I am doing something, while so many other things are waiting.

This project has tought me a lot about myself. Part of it was a suprise. I kept having new ideas all the time. Whenever there was a problem I was able to come up with a solution that worked. What I was doing was not enough and I kept searching for other possibilities, new ideas. I really like this part :) I have never thought I would be able to come up with so many fresh ideas and I hope this is going to continue in other areas. I also think, that the fact that the ideas did work, has given me self-confidence to communicate my ideas to others. Now I need to learn to do that in other areas.

I have also always had problems with trusting others. Now the issues have grown even greater. I must learn to have a certain level of trust again, otherwise, not only I am going to hurt myself, but also DD. Depriving us both of healthy contacts with other people is bad.

Well, I think that's more or less everything about the project.

6. I discovered the BBs and have really learnt a lot about stitching. I also got to know wonderful people. Kind and caring - I hope we are really going to stay friends, I like you all so much!

As my stitching abilities kept growing, also my taste changed a lot. I like specialty stitches, sparkly threads, hand-dyed fabbies... A year ago I didn't even know they existed!

I moved from 2 UFOs and 2 WIPs to 3 UFOs and multiple WIPs (I think I have 10 at the moment) I also acquired a great stash and had to go on the Wagon :)

Our marriage got drastically worse over the year, I hope we have a chance to get things worked out, as divorce is not really an option, but I'm cautiously optimistic about that. A lot of work and a lot of thinking next year, though.

10. I was a complete disaster as far as sports are concerned. I haven't been to the gym for 2 months, even though I am paying for it...

11. I went back to horseback riding in the summer, after 8 years. Boy, did it feel great!!! If only I could continue doing it regularly, I would be a happier version of me. Maybe, one day...

12. Kitty-wise the year was much better. No dramas in this area, just minor things. A nice change after 2003 when we experienced a lot of heart-breaking things.

13. I think that's enough for now.


Blogger Belinda said...

{{{Gosia}}} Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate. Here's to next year being happier all around :)

And I'm pleased to have you as a new friend!

9:18 PM  
Blogger Belinda said...

{{{Gosia}}} Sounds like you have had a lot on your plate. Here's to next year being happier all around :)

And I'm pleased to have you as a new friend!

9:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a busy year and one full of growth from what you've said.



6:40 AM  
Blogger Mia said...

Gosia, as someone else said, you had a lot on your plate this year. Me too. I keep praying that my 2005 is plain old boring. :) 2003 and 2004 were not the best for me but you will be reading my blog about that. We grow and learn from our actions and even though your charity project did not work out, your heart was so in the right place to think of those children. Good for you. I know I have a new friend in you. I look forward to reading your blog in the coming year.

11:35 PM  
Blogger Kiwi Jo said...

It must have been hard to write all that down but I hope it was a little therapeutic for you. And I hope you count me as one of your new friends! Isn't it strange how you can really feel like you know a lot about someone even though you've never met them. I think it's because it's easier to be much more open in our blogs than we would ever be face to face. I hope 2005 brings you everything you wish for Gosia. Hugs, Jo

10:45 PM  

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