Saturday, April 30, 2005

Another short update

Just to let you know I'm really better :) I have plan A and plan B, and even though I know things won't get really good for a long time, but at least I know what to do now and it helps.

I also taled to my Mom and feel better about everything. It seems that the worst time is over now :)

Thanks once more for being there!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Thank you!!

Thank you for your comments, and thank you that you still come here and read my whining. It usually looks worse written than it is, sorry, but it's my way to deal with everything at the moment. I usually feel everything very very deep, but then get up fairly rash and go on...

I tipped a quite long answer to address your comments (which are very very much appreciated), but it reveals too much detail for my liking, so if you'd like to read it, please write me at:
gosiuniek AT gmx DOT de I will be happy to forward it to you privately.

I gathered myself quite OK already and had a fairly good today. I mean I slept more than a half of it through, but it was a blessing after the insomnia of the last nights :) I already feel better.

I hope I will have more positive things to post about soon.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Update

Thanks for all your words. It's too early for me to analyse too much, I'm just afraid I would loose it and break to pieces. But I'm sure I will come back and call you on your wonderful offers to mail you when I need a shoulder, and it will be soon.

I tried to run some errands today and it looks very bad for me :( It seems there's no way to go back to work earlier than in February like planned. I haven't talked to my boss, and chances are he would agree, but I won't find a daycare space for DD. I have a place for her starting next January, but I applied for it many months ago. And private daycare at 800 Euro (over 1000USD) is out of the question, I won't earn enough to cover that. I will also have to cut my working hours to 7 a day. Daycares close at 5pm and I will have to pick DD before, which means I need to leave shortly after 4 pm. I hope it's going to be possible, but it will mean a pay cut. Appartments are really expensive and I have debt that DH conveniently made in my name (don't ask why I agreed), so things are going to be tough for a time.

I need to finish my Master degree and I should pass the 4 Microsoft exams that I'm still missing until then. If I manage all that, I am going to ask for a raise. But I need to put a great amount of work into achieveing that. My brain feels empty and numb at the moment, but I know that too shall pass...

Now I need to find a strategy to cope with everything until next spring. I can't move out, I don't have any money at all. I can't move to my parents, because they don't live in Germany and DH would sue me for taking DD out of the country permanently.

DH hasn't always been so bad. He's never been an angel, he has always been lying to me, but mostly about small things. It seems that it's kind of midlife crisis for him (he's almost 40) plus the fact that I used to be the main breadwinner and now don't earn anything. When he was dependant on my income he seemed to have at least some respect. Now when I'm dependant on him, he does not have any left. Except for physical abuse, there's nothing he decided to spare me. And in the same time he accuses me of wanting a divorce and destroying DD's family.

Will it sound bitter when I write that my Mom has always stringly disliked DH and before I got married 6 years ago, correctly predicted everything? She has always been (and still is) very correct towards him, but she was sooo right.

Why?

Why did I have to marry the devil? Why can't he just leave me alone? Why does he have to make sure that every little piece of my soul is dead? Does he have to take that very little of my self-worth that was left?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

D- Word

Today the final decision has been made. We'll be filing a divorce. As soon as finances allow I will be looking for a small appartment for me and DD and I will be trying to go back to work in September.
I feel sad and numb, but I know I will survive. I'm sorry for DD that she will have have to go through this, that she will lose her family, but I can't do anything to prevent it. I didn't want it to happen, but sometimes there's no choice.

Monday, April 25, 2005

SBQ

Have you ever been asked to do model stitching? Did you do it? If so, what was your compensation? (money, stash, etc.) If not, why not? If you haven't done it, if you were asked would you? Why or why not?
I have never been asked to model stitch. I'm not even sure how you get into it, I've seen some adds asking to send some try outs to the designer, but more than that I know nothing. I'm not sure if I'd like to do it. If I liked the design and the deadline were reasonable, then I would probably agree. I'm not 100% confident and it's difficult to compare, as there are very few stitchers here, so I'm not really sure. But I guess it's going to stay pute theory, because no one is going to ask :) It could be fun, though to see my stitching somewhere, but I think maybe I will enter my stitching into the competition in two years to achieve that.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I give up!

Yes, you've read right. I'm done, finished. I give up.

How can you feel unloved, unwanted, lonely and sad when you have friends like mine?? It's just not possible!!! Suddenly I'm finding myself surrounded by very dear friends, a feeling I haven't really tasted often in the past :) I am also going to remember this birthday forever, it has been (and still is) so very special.

Stichers are very, very special friends and I will mention here only a few of my very special stitching friends, but I would like to let everyone know that I love you so much and I appreciate your being there.

Mia, thank you so much for the wonderful birthday present, you are a prove that floss faries are very real and they are caring, wonderful creatures. I consider you one of my bestest friends!

Belinda, thank you for the present! It definitely made my day and is still very appreciated. You're the sweetest!

Kaya, thank you so much for being there, when I needed it. Talking to you has helped immensely to make sense of my feelings and of my life again. We share so many experiences and I hope that our friendship is having a very very long way together.

Nicki, your ears (eyes?) have helped a lot to find my balance back. Thank you for letting me whine (hopefully not too often in the future) and sharing my expat experiences.

Rachel, just thank you. Even though, you probabely won't appreciate hearing that, your fighting and not giving up has been inspiring me to keep going more often that I wish to admit. I really hope though, that the pieces of the puzzle will start falling into their places soon and the overall picture is a beautiful one.

Isabelle, thank you for nurturing my inner French :) I hope our friendship will grow and I hope we'll be able to meet soon. You are the geographically closest Internet friend of mine I think :) And I really need to refresh my Fresh, n'est pas?

Anneke, thank you for being there and always having a caring word to cheer me up. I also hope that meeting you will be possible, as I have always wanted to visit the Netherlands.

And a huge thank you to everyone whom I haven't mentioned yet, Christine, Cathy, Anette, Whiz, Karen, Carol, Carleen, Justyna, Vash,...

THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE!!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

General update

I've been feeling much better since Sunday. I met with Sylwia and her daughter on Tuesday and got a lovly birthday present (totally unexpected) - a small honey pot with a honey dipper. Very very sweet :)

I also started my diet on Tuesday. I am doing quite good, just one serious offence yesterday. I'm feeling a bit week, have headache, feel cold, etc. but it's normal for me when I get cold turkey with sugar. It should get better in a couple of days. It's just difficult to feed bananas, pudding, cookies, etc. to DD, when I'm craving them so badly LOL...

I am not overly motivated to do anything, but there's nothing really urgent, so it's OK. I've been mostly reading, because it lets me forget my cravings better, but I've been making a couple of stitches here and there. No significant progress, though.

My schoolworks is not doing good. I have so much to give in at the end of semester (mid-July) and I haven't even touched it, sigh. Considering that I'll be visiting my parents in May and won't get much done, I should be working hard now, but... Yes, I can't be bothered LOL!

Also my gym is still neglected. I haven't found any motivation yet to go (I haven't been since November). Any tipps? I know I shouldn't diet, if I'm not doing any sport, because I end up losing muscle mass instead of fat, but... DQoes anyone know how to motivate myself to go??

Monday, April 18, 2005

Sunday

We decided to celebrate my birthday on Sunday and we did. DH baked a cake before I got up so I got a piece for breakfest :) Then we played with DD a bit and put her to nap a bit earlier.

Then we went to the part of Berlin we used to live before. It's called Friedrichshein and it's very cool. I miss it very much, but it's not a place I would choose to bring up a child in. There are mainly students and yuppies living there, even though there are many children born in the last years. There are lots of bars, small restaurants, small cinemas located inside tenant houses, Internet cafés, eco shops, shops with weird things you would never see anywhere else. In the house where we lived a new shop opened and it sells only licorice! How cool is that? I can really imagine going back there when DD is bigger.

We also went to see the local park, but it was so incredibly overcrowded with people playing sports on the grass, having BBQs, playing guitars. Actually it was too much (the weather was great) so we just went walking in the streets, breething in the atmosphere, looking for shops and bars we know and for people we know. It was very cool, and we walked for over 3 hours there. Not enough for my liking, but we got hungry. We definitely need to go there more often, it's only like 40 minutes away from us.

I chose to have steaks as my birthday dinner and definitely the best ones in Germany are made by Block House. It's a chain and I know two in Berlin and they are both great. I find they are way better then Maredo or any other chain or non-chain steak house (Renée, a hint here!). I had French onion soup (DH had Ungarian goulasch soup) and American tenderloin steak which was really splendid. Block House is expensive and it always has been but the steaks are poetry :) DD behaved nicely and suprised us with loving garlic bread LOL. She has unusual taste for a 18-month-old. Loves Chinese, pierogis, now garlic bread. Now wonder she's not very find of the run-of-the-mill, bland baby food LOL. No, I'm not feeding her that really, she just sometimes gets bites from our plates, but is really crazy about real food. She can eat up to 8 pierogis!!! And normally 14 are too much for me LOL!

We walked to Alexanderplatz from Block House, which was another 45 minutes walking and was cool as well, because you walk on the Karl-Marx-Alle, which was built in communist realistic style. I believe only one street in Moscow is more pompous than Karl-Marx-Alle :) . The houses are being renovated and it's definitely worth seeing, if you ever visit Berlin. I am happy to see more and more life in this street. In August, there's a Beer Festival on this street and it's so cool. Imagine hundreds of booths with even more sorts of German, European and all over the world beer. Maybe we'll go this year, if we can afford a babysitter.

And tomorrow my diet begins (today I ate quite well, except that I still had cake from yesterday).

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Time for SBQ

And three times SBQ now, because I've been bad with keeping up recently.

Do you "stitch with the seasons?" (This could be reflected by the colors that you stitch with, the themes that you choose, or even that during your favorite season you stitch more (or less) than in others.)
I think seasons definitely have some influence on my stitching. I usually only feel like stitching Christmas projects, once the summer is over. I'm not a very flowery person, but I would love to stitch some pansies now (preferably those by Der feine Faden, that Renée and Susie are stitching together). I don't think that my choice of colours really changes, as most of my WIPs are quite large and usually take at least several months to get finished. But also the amount of stitching varies with the seasons. Of course there are obvious phases, when the exams take place at school in Jan/Feb and June, when I have less stitching time, but I usually tend to stitch more during the autumn and winter. Nice weather in spring and summer makes me spend more time outside. Last summer I went on holiday for 4 weeks with my Mom and DD and didn't even pull out my stitching. I hope this year my decrease will be less dramatic, because I want to finish several pieces this year.

What is your next specialty stitch?
I don't really know. I have started Jeanette Douglas Pacific Rim sampler and I know there are some specialty stitches, but I'm not sure which. I think my next one, I haven't tried yet, will be the darning stitch on the top of the sampler. Also Watergarden has a number of specialty stitches.
I can't think of anything I haven't tried yet and would like to try soon. I have done a nice number of them stitching Heirloom Christmas Sampler, also did some Hardanger. There are some techniques I would like to learn, but I won't start anything really new in the next time, as it would be too overwhelming.

How has your stitching evolved since you first started stitching?
Of course it has, I think almost every stitcher evolves over the time. I started stitching in 2001, with some freebies from the Internet. I also started a Rico tablecloth, that I messed a bit. I was not very sure what to do with the finished freebie pieces, so I joined SOLAK, the most wonderful charity stitching group of ladies I've ever seen. There my stitching evloved even more, I got some British stitching magazines and got myslef a subscribtion, discovered new freebie sites. I also bought some German booklets, mainly Rico with children's motives. I moved on from Aida to evenweave, because of a SAL at SOLAK (I stitched the Dutch bear from Vermillion website). I think at the end of 2003, I still haven't finished even one piece for myself, everything went to SOLAK. I had a couple of pieces started that were intended for our home, but none of them were finished.
In 2003 I got pregnant and started a birth sampler for my DD. Unfortunately it has become an UFO (I am going to pick it up again, though). I promised my DH, though, that I will stitch a couple of things for ourselves, but my nausea was too disturbing and I didn't stitch at all till the end of the year.
My true stitching began again in 2004 with 8 SOLAK squares and an intention to get more things done for home. In spring I found the BBs and got enabled full time. I finished two of my UFOs from earlier, decided to toss a couple of other pieces that didn't look right, got a wonderful floss fairy who sent me a complete set of DMC. I started a couple of new projects, kitted up several other and have been extending my stitching experience since then.
Of course my taste has changed a lot as well. Instead of just stitching cute cartoons, I like samplers, traditional looking designs, complicated TW pieces, fantasy stuff, Chatelaine, animals, ladies, etc.
I don't expect such dramatic changes any more in my stitching career, but I will be happy to extend my abilities to some new areas and get to know more designs and designers.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

My inner European

First of all - thnk you so much for all birthday wishes! They are very much appreciated and they really made my day! It's nice to know there are so many people around who care :)

Celebrating my birthday was moved to next Sunday, when we'll have more time, so I'll blog about it on Monday :)

I've found this cute blogthing recently and decided to give it a go. I find it very funny, being Polish and living in Germany, but it turns out that I am:





Your Inner European is French!









Smart and sophisticated.

You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.


Friday, April 08, 2005

Isabelle and Cathy

Thank you so much for you comments. Yes I really do hope things will clear up a bit, at least I have a plan again :)

Cathy, I've tried to comment in your blog, but Blogger won't let me to do it, so I'll post my comment here. Good luck weaning Evie. Even if you wish to do it, it's still not easy really. I have never managed to get any breastmilk expressed for Alizée. It just didn't work for me and with time I surrendered to having to take her with me everywhere, especially because she wouldn't eat anything other than breastmilk for 9 months. Boy, was I ready to be alone for some time after that! She weaned herself at 13 months and I was still a bit unhappy about it, I felt a bit rejected LOL. But of course it is nice to have my body for me again and be able to leave whenever I want to. If you don't feel ready to wean completely yet, you might consider breastfeeding only in the morning and in the evening, it worked very well for us for a couple of months and I really enjoyed it.
I hope social life will be back a bit when Alizée is bigger. The main problem here is that we have no family in Berlin and going out is very very expensive, having to pay for babysitter, etc. It should get better though, when I'm back to work.

Isabelle, thank you so much for your thoughts. It really feels good to think that I have some special freinds out there. Maybe we will be able to meet some time in real life. I just have to visit Paris again soon :) I was there only once, over 10 years ago. ANd of course I didn't have enough of it.
I will try to take pictures of my squares soon :) I think you should take part in our crochet SAL, it's so much fun and such a great possibility to learn many different stitches. We are having the CAL on the Wagon BB, and surely someone might help in getting the leaflet.
I don't worry about the stitching slump too much, I read much more at the moment, and of course, it's eating up my stitching time. I'm sure soon, I will feel much more like stitching again.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Update

I've been through another hiccup recently, but things fall back to normal again. I'm getting used to living on a rollercoaster, even though I would really rather have some piece and quiet in life again.

Except for that not really much new is happening. I will try to summarize the state of my life, as started at the Rotation BB.

Work: I'm still on unpaid maternity leave, still planning to be back in February 2006. Due to the last hiccups I've been thinking about trying to be back earlier, but it would turn to be really difficult. DD's not yet prepared to go to daycare. She eats well, but can't use a spoon yet. I figure that there's still enough time till January to teach her that, she has only recently got better at eating food with texture. Also finding daycare would be extremely difficult. We already have a place for her for January 2006, finding anything for just now would mean lots of paperwork and changing daycare next year, which surely wouldn't be good for her. I would also have to explain at work why I want to be back earlier, which I would hate to do. So we're going to try to stitck to the original plan and hope it's going to work out financially.

School: School's cool :) One of the very few areas where everything is working out perfectly. I finished last term with great average and I'm right on target this term. Of course I will have tons of work in May to prepare for June, but it's just normal. I am going to work on two projects already in April to have them almost finished before May. I have one more for May and three exams in June, but I'm not too worried (yet, wait till May and I'll be whining about it for sure.)

Family: DD's doing good. She's a very healthy and happy child. She has a very strong character and she' knows exactly what she wants. Sometimes it's a blessing, sometimes a bit less. I feel like juggling on a very thin line, between spoiling her rotten and breaking her character. It's difficult at times, I admit. I'm sure I will work it out eventually. Of course at 17 months I already see the terrible twos coming big time LOL. DH's another fairy tale. Things are not so good between us and after creating tons of mess it seems he's been slipping into depression. I admit I feel a lot of resentment about it. He DID all the mess and I don't want to be the one cleaning it again.

Stitching: I'm in a small stitching slump at the moment. I should be stitching on Watergarden, which is one of my favorite pieces, but I can't make myslef pull it out. Maybe I'll move it's slot to next week instead. Generally I've been doing good. I have a couple of finishes to show for this year and some progress on other pieces and huge plans for the rest of the year. I would like to finish at least two more pieces: Nature's Beauties and Great Expectations and some smaller pieces. Maybe I could squeeze another bigger piece, that would be great!

Crocheting: I've started the 63 squares afghan and have finished 8 squares already. That's the main reason for my stitching slump, I guess LOL. I'm not 100% happy with the squares, but I hope to work the problems out finally. I may change one of the colours, because I'm not sure if I like the combination yet.

Cats: Still not sold. I'm so ready for them to be gone, at least the kittens and some of the adults. It was not easy to make the decision to quit breeding, but after having made it, I would like the realization to follow soon.

Other: AKA social life, etc. Social what? Are SAHMs supposed to have anything like that? My social life consists of Mommy&Me group and rarely going for a walk with my friend and her daughter (DD's age). My b-day is on Monday and I just wish I could forget it. This year we won't be doing anything and also no presents, due to our financial problems at the moment.