Friday, July 29, 2005

Too much time for thinking

Staying in Poland, having nothing to do (I didn't even take anything to stitch with me) leaves much too much time for thinking. Overanalyzing would be even closer to the truth. And as I don't want to push this huge load of thoughts, emotions and memories to anyone around me, it'll land in my blog. I'm really grateful for having all of you and the possibility to lean, I hope another post is still OK.

I know that anything I am thinking about is much too far reached and actually I'll have eons of time to think about it again. But I can't help thinking about everything now and I want to get my thoughts out, so that my head won't explode.

T has two children and as you know I have DD. I have always thought that some time in the future I'll have another one, but it doesn't seem as obvious any more. Even if T's children don't live with him, he thinks 3 is enough for us, and he's right. There's no way we could afford another one with my mountains of debt (that STBXH made), and actually none of us is eager to go through diapers again. Even though it seems so obvious, I would still love to give birth to his child. I just can't help it.

Another thing is that DD is so young that if things go well, she'll never remember life without T. He'll play a role ih ner life, I'll never be able to play in his kids' life. I know it's purely theoretical, but it hurts nonetheless. Not much, I already had a stepson through STBXH, but it hurts a bit. And makes me want our own child even more.

And even more important thing I've realised recently. When I was around 18 I fell in love with O. Madly. We were together for 2.5 years, lived together for 1, then he left me. Basically we were just too young for the responsibility and after initial schock we remained friends. But the end of this relationship hurted so badly that I never ever wanted to love anyone that much. Even after those 2.5 years, I loved him so much I was constantly flying, istead of just walking on the ground. I was so insanely happy, which made my mother furious and so deeply unhappy when he left. I have never engaged myself that deeply since then. Not even with STBXH. I did love him and worked really hard to make things work for us, but I never had the feeling of flying. My heart was always guarded safely, in case he left. When my marriage broke, I decided it was a mercy, because at least I wasn't suffering that madly from broken heart. I did feel enormous pain, because of my family breaking, DD not getting the possibility to grow up in an intact family, losing home, etc. but not from a broken heart.

I have never wanted to fall in love that way again. I even warned T some weeks ago, that I'm well-guarded against life inside me and I hope he won't see our relationship as unsatisfactory because of that. I wanted a calm, easy relationship, without much heartache. Without missing someone so much. Without being jealous. Without flying...

Yeah, you guessed right... After nice, calm 8 years, when I managed to guard my heart so well, the walls are starting to fall apart. I do miss like crazy. I fall in love much too fast for my liking. Once or twice I had the feeling my feet didn't touch the ground. I'm scared. So scared, I didn't want this to happen. But after a few days of thinking, maybe it's worth it? Maybe even some weeks, months, years of mad, complete happiness are worth it? It's too late for me to run away anyway. It would already hurt so much...

As I'm staying with my parents for one more week before going back to Berlin, I guess I'll have some more thoughts soon ;) Stay tuned.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Back in Poland

After two weeks stay in B. I'm back in Poland now for a fortnight.

These have been very intensive two weeks on any level I can think of. I have managed to find an appartment for me and DD (we'll be moving mid-August), get quite a lot of paperwork sorted out. I filed for a divorce (the bad news that it's going to take 1.5 years, sigh - standard time in Germany), sorted things out with my company - I'm going back to work on Oct 1st and made the first step towards getting my debt sorted out. Altogether my STBXH left me with an enormous pile of debt (and believe me I'll rather shoot myself before I give a credit card with my name on it to anyone again) but at least it's over now, no need to be afraid of him again. There's still a lot of paperwork left to do, still no daycare space for DD, etc. but things are starting to get clearer.

As for my relationship with T. Well... Things are almost too good to be true. And I've learnt the hard way, that when things are too good to be true, they usually are too good to be true. I'm thankful for these two weeks, we won't be seeing each other and will have time to digest what happened, I'm just anxious to see the results of this process.

I'm craving security and stabilization so much, the wonderful feeling of having ground under my feet again. But it's a very very long road till there. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger?

DD is coping somehow with everything. She shows some distress, but we try to shelter her as much as we can. Still it's going to be bloody hard for her. New appartment, much smaller than the one we had, daycare, Daddy not at home any more, Mommy disappearing for weeks and then again. I hope she's young enough to go through all this without deeper inner wounds, I'll do my very best to help her.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

???

And now????

I am homeless. Yep, you read it right. My still to be ex husband made lots of debt, I didn't know about and our app was taken today. I didn't know about it, he didn't feel like informing me about this minor fact before I left to Poland. I only took a couple of things for me and DD.

I know I will survive, but I will still have loads of debt and possibly will be forced to file bankruptcy. It's not what I would like to do, but I may not have any other choice. I am coping really well with what happened, I just can't sleep or eat, but that's all. An easy way to lose weight LOL.

I am going back to B. soon, wihout DD who will be staying with my Mom, until I've settled everything and found a place to stay for us. There's someone special taking care of me at the moment, without whose help I'd be in black despair already, I guess (hey, someone very special, if you read this, please know how much I care). I guess next time is going to be bloody difficult, but in the same time I am relieved that I won't have to live with my STBXH again and take his abuse. This is over now.

Now, if only I didn't have to pay back debts, he made in my name, with my credit card, I'd be really happy. Yes, I am naive, very very naive. And I am going to pay for it dearly, but I'll survive.

I may have problems with going online in the future, but I'll try to answer my mail every couple of days. Thanks for being there for me, I'm sure I'll need it again in the next months.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Update, well, kinda...

Hey, I'm still alive and kicking, maybe even more than before.

Since my last post a lot of things have changed, most have gone even worse and definitely all are adding to the general drama, but I'm not as miserable as before. I am spending this week at my parents, in Poland, to cool down a bit, gather my thoughts again and de-stress. I am sorry I cannot blog about the details, but everything got messy and very personal, and I would hate to harm anyone involved.

The good thing is that I started taking care of myself better and already lost 12 pounds. 25 more to go approx. and I'm happy. I have also started moving much much more and will be getting a bike soon. I can't wait! I am still not in a stitching mood, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, it will come back all alone.

****To my friends****

If you'd like to know more, please write, I lost track of my correspondence.
gosiuniek AT gmx DOT de