Friday, July 29, 2005

Too much time for thinking

Staying in Poland, having nothing to do (I didn't even take anything to stitch with me) leaves much too much time for thinking. Overanalyzing would be even closer to the truth. And as I don't want to push this huge load of thoughts, emotions and memories to anyone around me, it'll land in my blog. I'm really grateful for having all of you and the possibility to lean, I hope another post is still OK.

I know that anything I am thinking about is much too far reached and actually I'll have eons of time to think about it again. But I can't help thinking about everything now and I want to get my thoughts out, so that my head won't explode.

T has two children and as you know I have DD. I have always thought that some time in the future I'll have another one, but it doesn't seem as obvious any more. Even if T's children don't live with him, he thinks 3 is enough for us, and he's right. There's no way we could afford another one with my mountains of debt (that STBXH made), and actually none of us is eager to go through diapers again. Even though it seems so obvious, I would still love to give birth to his child. I just can't help it.

Another thing is that DD is so young that if things go well, she'll never remember life without T. He'll play a role ih ner life, I'll never be able to play in his kids' life. I know it's purely theoretical, but it hurts nonetheless. Not much, I already had a stepson through STBXH, but it hurts a bit. And makes me want our own child even more.

And even more important thing I've realised recently. When I was around 18 I fell in love with O. Madly. We were together for 2.5 years, lived together for 1, then he left me. Basically we were just too young for the responsibility and after initial schock we remained friends. But the end of this relationship hurted so badly that I never ever wanted to love anyone that much. Even after those 2.5 years, I loved him so much I was constantly flying, istead of just walking on the ground. I was so insanely happy, which made my mother furious and so deeply unhappy when he left. I have never engaged myself that deeply since then. Not even with STBXH. I did love him and worked really hard to make things work for us, but I never had the feeling of flying. My heart was always guarded safely, in case he left. When my marriage broke, I decided it was a mercy, because at least I wasn't suffering that madly from broken heart. I did feel enormous pain, because of my family breaking, DD not getting the possibility to grow up in an intact family, losing home, etc. but not from a broken heart.

I have never wanted to fall in love that way again. I even warned T some weeks ago, that I'm well-guarded against life inside me and I hope he won't see our relationship as unsatisfactory because of that. I wanted a calm, easy relationship, without much heartache. Without missing someone so much. Without being jealous. Without flying...

Yeah, you guessed right... After nice, calm 8 years, when I managed to guard my heart so well, the walls are starting to fall apart. I do miss like crazy. I fall in love much too fast for my liking. Once or twice I had the feeling my feet didn't touch the ground. I'm scared. So scared, I didn't want this to happen. But after a few days of thinking, maybe it's worth it? Maybe even some weeks, months, years of mad, complete happiness are worth it? It's too late for me to run away anyway. It would already hurt so much...

As I'm staying with my parents for one more week before going back to Berlin, I guess I'll have some more thoughts soon ;) Stay tuned.


Blogger WhizGidget said...

I'm a little late to this party, but...

To love someone is to take one of the greater risks in life. And it often reaps some of the greatest rewards - ones you cannot begin to imagine.


9:29 PM  

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