Friday, November 25, 2005

It's my party and I cry if I want to...

... you would cry too, if it happened to you!

I've been quiet because of being on a downward spiral again. This week has been really bad and I mean really, really bad. I have quite a lot of problems because of the debt I acquired from STBXH. There's so much paperwork still to do regarding everything, divorce, debts, DD's daycare, taxes, I mean everything. And it's too much for me. I have problems keeping up with everything, going to the appointments, brining the right documents, sorting everything out. They usually also want STBXH to sing something and somehow cannot understand that I cannot MAKE him sign anything. Sigh...

Add problems with T's children to to the mixture and you have one me who is completely losing it. Unfortunately T is so much into his own problems with the children that he's not a real help. He cannot understand that I'm already on the verge on breaking down, that I cannot take much more, that I need help with all those tasks until I get on my feet again. He says he understands but he continues business as usual, awaiting help from me and ignoring my problems. It has worked quite well until now, but at the moment I simply cannot.

It's snowing here in Berlin, for the first time this winter... It's just one month until Christmas and I hoped this Advent was going to be so calm and happy... I guess it was unrealistic to begin with, the war with life has never ended, it was just a ceasefire and it's over now... Sorry for being so pathetic, I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The weekend

Last week I got a nasty UTI, so I wasn't in the mood to write anything. Fortunately it got much better till Friday, so we still could follow our plans for the weekend.

Saturday was Allie's second birthday and we decided to celebrate it outside of Berlin. We went to a riding farm in Poland and had a blast! We could all ride (and I didn't forget everything, just the half LOL - I felt so awkward in the sattle, I knew what to do, but my muscles did not comply). T. tried riding as well and he seems to have caught the bug. He's already talking about going riding soon again :) The children liked the farm as well, so I'm quite sure it's not the only time we went there. It's less than two hours drive from the centre of Berlin and the prices are OK. Of course it's still a lot of money to pay for the 5 of us, but I hope we'll be able to afford it from time to time :)

Allie's father did not bother to call or send her anything :( I feel so sorry for her, even though she doesn't really suffer because of it at the moment. For a two-year-old those months she hasn't seen him are enough to stop missing him, but I know it's going to have consequences in the future, sigh... My poorest baby.

Thursday, November 03, 2005


If you have stitched for a while, can you usually pick out the DMC colors you need from memory when you go to your LNS? (For example, you know that 610 is a brown.)

I have memorized some of the DMC and Anchor colours memorized, but not that many I must admit. Even though I haven't really stitched an big TW yet, I know most of her favorite colours (mainly because they are so pretty, I think). I also recognize a number of colours passively, that is I can't remember the number if someone asks, but recognize it when someone mentions it. I'm quite sure, that when I'm back to stitching I'm going to memorize even more numbers.

October Report & November Goals

So much for October:

1. Finish gathering the documents for Child Services and report STBXH for not paying child support since July (I only need one more document). I may be elligible for child support advance from Child Services, which means that they would try to track him down and get their money back instead of me. I just need one more document, which I hope to be able to obtain today. DONE
2. Decide what I am going to programm for school and start designing it. NOPE
3. Bank. DONE
4. Decide which Microsoft exam I am going to take first and check until when they are going to offer them (with VS.NET 2005 due in November) NOT YET
5. Talk to Mom about her taking DD during summer holidays next year. DONE, she's taking DD in August.
6. Try to track STBXH again and if he's still missing get paperwork done for filing a divorce without his consent (more difficult, more expensive) I know he's home, but refuses to talk to me, so I have to go with the no-consent option, when my lawyer is back from holiday.
7. Bring the remaining documents to DD's daycare (and try to prove I had no income until July - I mean it's easy to prove income, but how to prove NO income??) NOT YET
8. Start writitng my Master thesis, so that I'll be able to show something in November to my prof. OUCH, NO!
9. Find a nice recipe for veggie enchiladas and make them. YEAH, very tasty!

5 done, 4 not. A very mediocre result, but at least better than nothing.

My November goals are as follows:

1. Write at least 20 pages for my Master thesis (the lit review to start with).
2. Decide on the MCSD exam, I'm going to take.
3. Make an app to try to clear my debt.
4. File divorce papers.
5. Write a letter to DD's daycore about my income in 2005.
6. Change the data at DD's child money office.
7. Fill in the unemployment closing papers and send them back.
8. Sort out all the documents from the last couple of months.
9. Go clothes shopping with T.
10. Pay school bills and take photos.
11. Learn C#.
12. Make good progress on school projects (Delphi 2005 and the book are already ordered).
13. Stitch at least a little bit.
14. Decide what we're getting the kids for X-mass.
15. Decide what I am getting T. for X-mass.
16. Get my ears pierced for the new earrings I got from T.
17. Get wine and drink glasses.
18. Ride my new bike!!!
19. Copy the recipes I want to keep and return the books to the library.
20. Try at least 3 new vegge recipes.
21. Make sure T. changes the address on everything that still has the old one.
22. Change the tax class on my tax card.

I think this should be it for the most urgent tasks, I'll add more if they come to my mind later.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

It's time to live my dreams

I am going to restart riding again in the spring. I have waited for so long to start living again, instead of just existing and watching the time pass… I’ve let so many of my dreams go, just because there has always been something more important to achieve. But it hasn’t brought me anywhere, it hasn’t made me a better person or helped me live a better life. So now it’s time to chase MY dreams, no matter how difficult it is.

Horse riding is my favorite sport and it always makes me calm and happy. And after everything that happened in the last years, I DO deserve to be happy. I also want to use the moment and get DBF used to the fact that I have wishes as well and that they’re equally important now. I think in a couple of years it’d get more difficult.

I am going to use the winter and gather information about places and recommendations and choose two or three we’d like to visit, so that when the weather is better again I’ll just be able to go.

Battling the weight

I’m starting my battle tomorrow. Medically speakking, I am only slightly overweight, but I’m well above my personal ideal weight. Now only it doesn’t look right, but also makes things like climbing, horse riding, etc. much more difficult.

I have no definte plan yet, except that I’m going to cut back on carbs. I’m not eating much fat anyway and I don’t eat meat, so just eating less and eliminating carbs, especially sweets should do the trick.

I am also going to do much more sport, that’s why I want to get a bike and think about starting to climb. I would love to start riding again in the spring, but it’ll have to wait. I am going to get a scale soon, so watch out for my progress tracking :) I guess I’m going to go back to Wednesday weigh-in.

Another hobby: climbing.

Climbing is DBF’s favorite hobby. No wonder he infected me with the bug and showed that defeating my own height anxiety can be one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever tried. I already have my climbing stuff bought and nicely waiting to be used :) I have also tried to climb, but only on artificial walls, unfortunately. I am also too heavy at the moment and my muscle is too weak, not mentioning my technique, so there’s really a lot to do before I’m able to say I can climb, it’s going to be a really long journey.

At the moment we just need to find a solution to having DD with us all the time. Maybe asking our friend to come with us, three adults should be easily able to watch one 2yo ;) Maybe we could also visit some small walls, where it’s not necessary to use the rope, but still fun to climb? DD could simply play somewhere… I start really having fun at thinking about doing sports again. I really really want to get fit this time!

BIKE: Choosing the right one!

So, it’s decided we’re getting a new bike for me. Actually I haven’t had a bike for several years now, so you can guess, that I’m really excited. I already know that I want a trekking bike, or maybe a cross bike, if I find a nice one. I don’t think that a full blown mountain bike would be the right choice for Berlin, and shall I ever be in a condition good enough to ride in the mountains we’ll be getting us two new bikes. Until then I want a relatively decent bike in the 400-700 dollar range. I hope I’ll be able to find something cool :) I know the look isn’t the most important thing, but I simply want a bike that looks good and not like on old-lady-bike ;) Preferably black-silver ;)

We are going to go and have first look at the bikes tomorrow, I have two addresses of good shops in Berlin. I have also heard loads of tips on what I should be getting, etc. but I doubt I can rememebr all this. I simply hope to find someone who’ll be able to offer good service and recoomend Mr Righ Bike for me. DBF’s brother offered to help me build a perfect bike for the money we are willing to pay, but I don’t want to that long (we won’t be travelling to Wroclaw until January, I think.) So it’s decided that we’re getting it here and now.