Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Doing better

I'm doing better, even though I still haven't come to terms with the school disaster. But I'm doing better and even though I can't find my learning mojo back, I did a lot of paperwork that has been waiting forever, which is almost as good ;)

Tomorrow I have to start learning again, I'd like to take the first exam as soon as possible, as I believe it's going to make me feel better and bring back my mojo again. At the moment I am still into the "I'm too stupid to study, I'm too stupid to work" - phase and I need that to stop.

In the meantime I am happily stitching on DMC In the Meadow for DD and listening to Pilars of Earth with DBF. I'm not sure I love the book, we're on CD 3 of 12 and it's been a bit too two-dimensional and a tad too bloody for me, but we're going to listen to the end. I'll write more later on.

Oh, and DBF promised I am going to get Michael Powell's Venice Tryptych anyway (even without writing my Master thesis), we just need to come up with an idea how I should earn it. Maybe we'll tie it to my Java exams, I just need to come up with some rules. One exam would be too cheap, but all three feels a bit too much and too far away to achieve, so we'll see.

When I'm done with Witzy & Co, or when I'm bored with them I'm going to come back to DBF's woolvies, he's definitely more than earned a first cross-stitched gift from me :) :)

Friday, January 18, 2008

Better no title

Due to certain circumstances that are to a certain degree my own fault and even more not dependant on me, I won't be able to finish my studies. I would have to make three more terms (things have changed a lot at school) and I see no possibility to do it at the moment (money-, time-, and power-wise). The info was very much unexpected for me, so I am still in a deep schock and not really getting exactly what happened. Yesterday I was just worrying about finishing my thesis, sure I have all the exams done and now I stand in front of a huge disaster that costed me a lot of money and even more work put into it.

Now I know I have to pull together again, there's a lot of work in front of me. I have to pass three Java exams and find a job very very fast, because my unemployment money runs only until May. Actually there's no time to cry, but today I am going to go to bed early and indulge in crying as much as I feel like.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Feeling blue...

I've been feeling blue for the last couple of days.

First of all I am worrying about my Master thesis, due in mid-Feb. I have barely anything written until now and have been procrastination on it for two years now. I just don't seem to be able to get anything done and I need my degree and three exams to be able to find a new job, which I need badly. I know that as soon as those things were over I'd be much happier.

I'm also worrying about finances. My unemployment money runs out in June. I need a job until then and Berlin has a very bad market in general. We still consider moving, but it can't be done as long as we are not finished with the school (both of us).

I'd so want to stitch now and not think about boring workflows, Java programming, taking multiple choice exams or anything like that. I scheduled the SCJP exam for Feb 1st, though, so I need to get going on that too. And have my thesis half-written until then too, sigh...

Friday, January 11, 2008

Oh, well...

Yesterday came and went by far too fast... I enjoyed our free day immensely, even though we were both fairly tired. I guess when those three months are over we'll both need a lot of sleeping.

So, yesterday I brought DD to the kindergarten, then we went for a walk, ate breakfast in a cafe at the corner, then went to the library to pick up some books for me, then went for a long walk in the city centre and Tiergarten. Then it was time to pick DD up, so we did. We ate at a local Chinese place and spent the rest of the day just doing nothing. It was such a great day.

Today is back to reality, though. I write some mails, went through the books to see if they are of any use for my thesis and now it's time to pick DD up and do some house cleaning before weekend. I have to write at least 2-3 pages this evening, after DD's gone to bed and read one chapter for the SCJP exam.

I also found a job fair in April in Berlin and registered for it. Until then I should already have my diploma and at least two, if not three exams done, so it would be great to use the opportunity. I'm going to start sendind out job application end of March, so the fair comes exactly at the right time.

Oh, and I forgot to write how proud I am of my DBF to have finsihed this paper. It took hime over two years and he's been struggling a lot, so the last couple of weeks when he got really productive make me really optimistic about the future. Now he only has the master thesis to write, just like me :)

Thanks for your nice comments :)

Deborah, yes my plate is full at the moment, but I try to take one bite at a time. One day it'll get better. I just need to believe it.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008


Unfortunately DBF still needs to make some changes, so we didn't celebrate today. I hope Thursday. I must admit that I didn't take this delay well. I know it's just two days and I have enough of my own stuff to worry about and be busy, but it threw me off of track and I spent the whole nicht crying and trying to fall asleep (without much success) which of course meant that I wasted another day. But I feel better now, so I hope to get some work done tomorrow. And today I'm going to indulge in stitching a bit and go through one book for my thesis.

Monday, January 07, 2008

That's life

After spending the whole day reading blogs, BBs, updating my blogg roll AND stitching I only feel a tad guilty. I do feel like I'm getting a bit of my life back and I hope it's going to help me in the long run to achieve other goals. But surely, I do need to limit those activities, LOL.

Anyway, I have a first, still fairly small, but a very real BLOB on my Dimensions Winter's Lace. I decided to indulge in a new start for the GFJ (Guilty Free January) to celebrate my coming back to stitching. I've chosen this design, because DBF loves wolves and I wanted to stitch something for him iat last. I am going to OOAT on it at the moment, util I'm bored and then move to one of my older WIPs that got so mercilessly neglected last year. But at the moment I'm enjoying my wolvies :)

DBF is sitting and finishing his paper for school. It's going to be ready this night, and we're going to celebrate it tomorrow by spending the day together and having fun. Well, I don't have anything to celebrate actually, but I hope a worry-free day is going to give me a kick in my own work. Also tomorrow we're going to be at the same place with DBF - master thesis + three exams left to finish. Actually my exams have nothing to do with school, but three exams are three exams. My deadline for master thesis is mid-Feb though, so I need to be working faster. I want to win the race anyway ;P

Which brings me to the topic of my in-laws-to-be. I do not have much experience with in-laws in general, especially not such ones... I do not get them at all, they always say how much they care for us and how important we are, but they act just the opposite. On Christmas, for example, they stopped talking to DBF, because he hadn't finished his paper for school. Now, surely he should have, etc. but first we pay for our living ourselves and second they didn't even ask for reasons. And third if they're not talking to DBF why they also refused to wish a Merry Christmas to me and DD?? I don't get it at all, in the end they just said DBF should send them a letter when he has finished that stupid paper, so that they can get on speaking terms with us again.

Of course, there is a lot of story behind that, DBF has been struggling to finish school for years, much too long. Everyone knows that. Last year he finally went to counselling, which revealed learning disabilities, etc. and things started to get better. I also try to help as much as I can, re-read his papers (which is not easy, German is not my mother tongue), support him, etc. And I can see progress. But expecting him to be finished with a month or two is simply not realistic. It's not that he's not smart, he's been working for years in the industry, even though he's not an engineer yet, has some patents and has been supporting his family. But writing, especially those ultra-long scientific papers is another story.

I am also guilty of slacking off for much too long and losing some very good career chances. In fact I still struggle to get back on the right path. But we both have shattered families behind us and some life experience that I do not wish to anyone. I was very very ill last year, up to the point that my Mom had to take my DD with her for several weeks, because I was not able to care for her. DBF lost his kids.

But then, we both survived whatever happened, we are back on track, more or less, we are building a new family, with much success. DD's speach therapist commented short before Christmas, that she rarely sees such happy, open and balanced children. She should have seen her several months ago and she had been shocked. It has been a very hard work to get to this point and the credit goes to all three of us.

I hope the learning & career front is going to get sorted out exactly the same way, stpe by step, getting back on the right track, reaching milestone after milestone and finally getting at the place where we are both comfortable. But what we need at the moment is some support,or at least leaving us in peace, not calling names and accusing us of everything bad that happened on this planet.

All in all, in a way, I am happy that the in-laws are not speaking with us. At least I'm not fearing the telephone ringing any more and I'm not dreading having to visit them in January. To every cloud, there's a silver lining...

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Sunday, January 06, 2008


Q : Are you starting something new to celebrate the New Year or participating in "Guilt Free January?" If so, what are you planning on starting?

I am participating in the Guilty Free January this year. I am going to start Dimension's Winter Lace, because wolves are DBF's favorite animals (and he hasn't got anything stitched form me yet, because I have been on a hiatus) and because I feel like starting something new with no memories, thoughts or feeling attached to it. I am going to keep it as my only piece, as I have very very very little time for any hobby at the moment and I would like to see a progress, no matter how small it may be...

I hope that establishing times to relax and unwind is going to help me to get going faster in other areas.

A little bit of everything

This year's Christmas and New Years Eve haven't made me re-think my life as much as they usually do, they went by somehow unnoticed, but still it's a good time to stop for a while. 2007 was so full of events, that sometimes even I get lost.

We split up with T. My friendship relationship with DBF changed to not-only-friendship relationship. We moved in together. We had to adjust to each other. His sons moved out and away from here. DD had a hard time adjusting, DBF had a hard time adjusting. I had a hard time adjusting. I lost my job. I had a hard time adjusting. DBF, DD and I grew together and consider ourselves a true family now. Financial problems. We're trying to figure out if we should stay in Berlin or move to the south-west Germany. I made a plan for learning and getting a new job. I have a hard time sticking to it (I'm already behind 2-3 weeks). I gained a lot of weight. We celebrated X-mas and New Year at my parents.

2008 sees our relationship strong and stable, actually I can't remember being so happy in my life. Of course, nothing is so perfect that it can't get better, but we're going in the right direction.

What needs attention most is of course the work situation or rather the lack thereof. The two most important things at the moment is to graduate and to pass the Java and J2EE exams. Actually this has been my goal for some time, but I never came round to actually doing it. But now I'm on the right track, even if I'm not travelling as fast as I'd like, I need to get more structured and stop losing time in most stupid ways and then I should be fine.

January and February will be very busy with my thesis and preparing for the exams, so I don't plan much more for this time. But I want to get some of my life back, then. I want to read more, start stitching again, meet my friends more often, spend quality time with DBF. I also need to take care of myself more. Lose weight again, have my hair done, buy some clothes, exercise. And have all those activities integrated in my daily life.

I also need to work through some thoughts and feelings. I may go for another round of counselling or just think and write, write, write. The issues are not huge, but still sometimes they hurt and sometimes they make life a bit more difficult.

I hope for a good year in 2008 and I feel that achieving it lies in my hands, it doesn't depend on some kind of dark and unpredictable fate. I have a wonderful family, now I need to take care of the rest of my life and deep inside I am optimistic about it.

I would like to wish everyone:


Saturday, January 05, 2008

New Year

Well, my first New Year resolution should be to blog regularly ;) Last year was not the best one, and I'd like to come back to blogging, because I miss it. Last year was very chaotic in general, with miriads of changes everywhere, and I must admit that I had a hard time adjusting to everything. I hope for a much calmer and easier year now.

But here are my goals for 2008:
  1. Finish my thesis.

  2. Graduate.

  3. Pass SCJP.

  4. Pass SCWCD.

  5. Pass SCBCD.

  6. Cook healthy.

  7. Lose weight.

  8. Exercise.

  9. Re-write my CV.

  10. Find a job (preferably in Berlin).

  11. Move.

  12. Read every day to DD.

  13. Follow through with DD's diagnosis and speach therapy.

  14. Find a good school for DD.

  15. Start stitching again regularly.

  16. Blog regularly.

  17. Read more.

  18. Stay in touch with my friends.