On the Amber Route

Kokeshi dolls

2011-12-15T22:15:00.000+01:00

And another finish to show. Those dolls are for friends' daughters, but of course I will have to crochet similar ones for mine too ;)) They will make a set with two beautiful books about Japanese culture: Yumi and Aoki. I'm a huge fan of children's books ;))

Another quick finish - a ladybug

2011-12-08T10:23:00.000+01:00

As DD1 was jealous of DD2 getting a handmade toy, she'll be getting hers ver y soon. As soon as I've decided if ladybugs can do without legs or not ;)))

In the meantime:

A quick finish - Christmas Tree Toy

2011-12-06T00:10:00.000+01:00

A St Nicolas Day present for DD2. It was a very quick finish, maybe 6-7 hours altogether. I hope she likes it :))

2012 WIPocalypse!!!

2011-12-04T12:51:00.002+01:00

Measi (at http://measi.net/measiblog/2011/08/28/4814/ ) organized a SAL:

For many years, a rumor has been around that the world will end in 2012. So really – do you want all of your poor WIP and UFO pieces to be left behind, unfinished? The guilt! The shame! Oh, the horror of all of those innocent little stitchy projects never to be completed!

So I had no choice, but to jump in and join with following WIPs at the moment:

Dracolair Dawn Awakening
All Our Yesterdays A windy day
UB Design Vogelwinter
Needle Treasures Great expectations
Drawn Thread Prairie Garden
Dimensions Gracious Era
Dimensions Winter's Lace
Dimensions Nature's beauties (yay, I found the missing chart!)
Mirabilia Madonna of the Garden
Michael Powell Venice Palazzo I, II, III
Anchor African animals
DMC Lilac fairy
DMC In the meadow
Chatelaine Watergarden (if I find the missing part of the chart)

I am allowing myself to start any ornie, card or any small, provided that it is stitches out of my stash, which I think is fair enough. I'm really curious how far I am going to come this year :)))) Some of the pieces are fairly small, some are big, some are almost finished, some - barely started. So there's really a nice mixture to choose from. I am going to concentrate on Winter's Lace, even though, it's not very far, but it's for my partner, who has been whining to have it finished for years now.

Preparing for 2012!

2011-12-04T12:43:00.000+01:00

So, long time no see, but life somehow got in the way ;)))

So here I come again, with two DDs currently (Alizée 8 and Lara 1) and multiple WIPs. I have just recently come back to hobbies, mainly to knitting, sewing and crocheting, but stitching is starting to catch my interest again. I'm hoping for a good crafty next year, I will have to live out of my stash, but hey, that was the reason I have been gathering all those things in the first place.

For a good beginning a pic of the Advent Calendar I have sewn for my DDs:

It's made out of linen and some patchwork fabbies, which works wonderful together. I am definitely going for this combination again, maybe for something less Christmassy this time.

Update

2008-10-14T12:13:00.003+02:00

I haven't written regularly because of many reasons, some of which are not valid any more (hopefully). First of all, I suspect my ex is still reading it (just like he used to read my mail - some people just need to get a life). Now that we are divorced I do not care any more of he knows anything about me or not. I also see no reason to protect some other people against him any more.

I also need a safe place to vent and write about things that bother me again and why should I search for another place than here? I would also like to get back to habit of writing regularly and setting goals and plans, because I am at a place where life can and should be planned and worked at again, unlike it used to be for a couple of years before.

SO I hit the 3 months mark at my job, which is means I made it halfway through the probation period. My boss is happy with my work, but I know I need to work on several areas, especially being more consistent. I get one project done really well and then slack off a bit until the next wave comes. This needs to get changed, especially as I am getting more and more important projects.

I also need to work on my qualifications. I wouldn't want to get stuck at this level forever, so I better get going and start working (again) on my next exam.

On the private field, I need to get more consistent in working with my DD (homeschooling in Polish), I also need to make an appointment for her to get evaluated in sensory integration. I suspect something is slightly wrong with that and she's having hard times sometimes dealing with other children. It's nothing really serious, but if I can get help for her, I should do it. She still has some speech delays (they change constantly - at the moment she's almost at target in vocabulary, but the grammar is really... adventurous).

I also need to work on spending more quality time with my DBF. We do sneak a lot of time already, but sometimes we waste it on doing nothing and then regret not planning in advance or just going out eating, because it's the easiest (but the most expensive and doesn't make that much fun anyway).

So I have a lot to work on and I'm happy to say this, two years ago there was almost nothing to build upon.

New Job

2008-07-07T16:21:00.002+02:00

As some of you know I have a new job and have been working for 4 weeks already. And I can really tell you - it makes a differenece, a huge difference. Things are going well here, especially as DD is with my Mom in Poland on holiday, so I have time and space to get used to working again.

The only not-so-shiny side of life is my health. I have been running with an UTI for months as it shows, and now I'm on antibiotics to kill it in the long run. Unfortunately they are making me mildly nauseated and very tired, so I'm really looking forward to not having to take them any more. Of course, I also hope they will do the job and I'll feel better. Still, it seems my kidneys are OK and at least I know the reason why I have been feeling so down and tired in the last months.

Next week we're celebrating DBF's 40th birthday. We're going to the mountains for the weekend, as we're child-free and most of our friends are on holiday already. I'm still angry that J haven't come up with a better idea, but I'll do my very best to make up for it next year.

What Gosia means...

2008-03-17T15:04:00.003+01:00

What Gosia Means

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Won the battle with Tomcat!

2008-03-17T12:38:00.002+01:00

I don't want to bore you with details, but I won my two day long battle with Tomcat installation. Of course, those are two precious days of learning lost, but at least I found the solution on my own and now have a running system ;) I can run both Servlet and JSPs, and try out everything I want to. I'm also on page 300 of 750 of my textbook, but I admit I haven't memorized everything from those 300 pages, so there's still awfully lot to do for me.

Anyway, getting Tomcat to run is a very good closure of a very bad weekend. Actually nothing happened, but every single thing that could go wrong went wrong. Taxes have to wait, because the form I got from my ex-employer has errors, I didn't manage to get as much done as I wnated, Tomcat was giving me headaches and DD had a stmach bug making doing anything else than cleaning almost impossible. I'm so happy, it's Monday!!

SCWCD, job hunt, and such.

2008-03-14T12:12:00.004+01:00

I started working on my new exam on Monday I can't shake off the feeling that at least the book is easier than the previous one. I'm almost at page 200 (of 750), so I hope things stay this way. I have nothing against passing an exam that is not that difficult, for a change.

I have also been seraching for a job application coach, but I have no idea which one to choose. The price differences are not that big, but how do I judge one, just having their webpage as a reference?? I do not know anyone who has used them personally, and they are basically all online, so I guess I'll restort to the phone when I'm ready to start with revamping my cv and such... and hope I get a decent one. I won't be able to afford a couple, just to see what they can do with my cv (I have a somewhat twosted one and I don't know what I should include and how. Like for example all the classes I took towards my master degree, they are definitely job relevant, but I don't know what I should write, if I am not getting my Masters after all).

All this job hunting is very stressful, especially as I have no experience at all. The only job I've ever had was offered to me after two months internship (and I did not even apply for that, my school took care of that). So I really have no experience at all. I also need new photos (in Germany you have to attach a photo to your application, I hate it) and I significantly gained weight, which of course makes taking those photos a very pleasant event. I need to go to the hairdresser anyway, but this has time until mid-April. Maybe I'll lose a bit until then and will feel better about myself, but it's not my top priority at the moment. The new exam is most important.

I also have problems getting servlets to run on my laptop, which annoys me. We'll have to watch what's wrong both, with DBF, he's usually better at the whole installation game than me. In the menatime I can continue with my book.

I also have loads of paperwork to do at the moment, taxes, mountains of things for the divorce, bankruptcy filing and so on, but I'm moving along there too. It just takes so much time... But it gets done, so I'm not complaining.

Passed!!

2008-03-10T19:34:00.002+01:00

I passed my SCJP with 86%. I could have done better, but I went for the newest 6.0 version and I'm happy it's done. I lost points in one area only, I find those questions were much more difficult than on the mock exams I took. Pity, but I passed and the result is quite OK too :)

Now, on to the next one - SCWCD 5.0!!! I would like to do it in just 30 days, which ios very little for this exam, but I'm going to try :)

Thanks for all crossed fingers!!

Scheduled the exam!!!!

2008-03-07T11:07:00.002+01:00

I have scheduled my SCJP exam for the coming Monday, so I only have three days left to prepare. I am scared, but I'll be so happy when it's over!! I just need to succeed in something to start believing again I am not totally useless. I think I am prepared for the exam, but I'm still going to go through the whole book again on the weekend and I still have three mock exams to go through and revise the questions I got wrong. So enough work before Monday.

I have also already installed Tomcat on my Linux laptop and got it to running under Eclipse. It means I can write JSPs and Servlets immediately without worrying about the configuration cram first. I know I still need to learn it all, but I admit I hate starting to learn a new technology with loads of configuration problems. There will be still enough time to learn why things do not function, when I first get a grip of how things function when they function ;)

I am going to go for exactly one month of preparation for the SCWCD exam. I know it's very little time, but I can learn effectively around 6 hours per day, which ought to be enough.

I lost so much time on the first exam, because I felt worthless and depressed. It was so stupid, because from the very beggining I had no problems understanding the book, I just felt it was too much for me to learn and memorize all the details. But with time and learning every single day it is perfectly possible to achieve it. Just one chapter at a time. And of course allowing enough time for solving mock exams and getting the "big picture" in place. I am already excited about the preparation for the next exam :)

I started my career as a web developer (in ASP, though) and I really liked it. At that time it was still fairly easy and the learning curve was not that steep. Now, it's almost as difficult as programming EJBs, etc. but I still have a lot of warm feelings for dynamic webpages :) When I'm done with SCWCD, I am going to go for the next exam - SCBCD, which is more difficult, but I hope those three will help me to get a new job soon. I will still not really be ready with all three exams before my unemployment money runs out, which I'm trying not to think about at the moment. I will also still need to learn Hibernate and Spring in the meantime (pity, there's no exam for them, I find learning towards a goal so much easier than just getting to know a technology) and just hope to find a job soon. But slowly I am cautiously optimistic about my future, or at least I am feeling about it much better than when the school big bang happened.

Day...

2008-02-28T14:26:00.002+01:00

Nothing chynged much here... The other school made me an offer, but it's inacceotable, I'd have to retake almost all classes, which is not an improvement over starting anew where I am. So I guess the chool story is over for me for now.

I'm trying hard to cope with it and get back to normal life again, but I must amdit that I'm not very successful. I am sick on the top of everything and so spending hours surfing the net, doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. I really need to take the bloody exam next week, but I'm so unmotivated to learn and also I forget everything so fast... I worked through half of the material before we went to visit future in-laws and now, just one week later I can't rememeber what I've lerant. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

But enough rambling. I'm still awaiting a day when I can write somehting more optimistic, sigh...

No clever title

2008-02-01T19:00:00.000+01:00

I was not doing as good as I wanted to believe. Shortly after last post I felt into a huge black hole, when I couldn't even be bothered to get up in the morning, kept crying and not sleeping. I hate such phases, I want to believe I am stronger than I am.

Even though I learnt close to none, which is a big problem, because I need to take the first exam as soon as possible, I still kept doing small steps and next Thursday I have meeting at another school who is willing to work a new schedule with me, which could mean that I'm only going to lose 6 months and will only have earn a couple of credits more. Well, I'll know for sure when I've been there and there are of course some drawbacks - the school is not as well-known and it's going to cost a small fortune, but I'll take whatever they are going to offer me. My parents are also going to lend me the money, and etr DBF has a new contract, so at least financially things look a bit brighter for the time being.

I'm going to try to get my health a bit better and take vitamins regularly and see if it affects how I feel. I think that the insomnia, etc. was just stress, but if it continues, I'll need to see a doctor.

Oh, and DBF said that I'll be getting my Michael Powell for passing the first exam, so now on to learning :) :) :)

Doing better

2008-01-23T20:28:00.000+01:00

I'm doing better, even though I still haven't come to terms with the school disaster. But I'm doing better and even though I can't find my learning mojo back, I did a lot of paperwork that has been waiting forever, which is almost as good ;)

Tomorrow I have to start learning again, I'd like to take the first exam as soon as possible, as I believe it's going to make me feel better and bring back my mojo again. At the moment I am still into the "I'm too stupid to study, I'm too stupid to work" - phase and I need that to stop.

In the meantime I am happily stitching on DMC In the Meadow for DD and listening to Pilars of Earth with DBF. I'm not sure I love the book, we're on CD 3 of 12 and it's been a bit too two-dimensional and a tad too bloody for me, but we're going to listen to the end. I'll write more later on.

Oh, and DBF promised I am going to get Michael Powell's Venice Tryptych anyway (even without writing my Master thesis), we just need to come up with an idea how I should earn it. Maybe we'll tie it to my Java exams, I just need to come up with some rules. One exam would be too cheap, but all three feels a bit too much and too far away to achieve, so we'll see.

When I'm done with Witzy & Co, or when I'm bored with them I'm going to come back to DBF's woolvies, he's definitely more than earned a first cross-stitched gift from me :) :)

Better no title

2008-01-18T20:52:00.000+01:00

Due to certain circumstances that are to a certain degree my own fault and even more not dependant on me, I won't be able to finish my studies. I would have to make three more terms (things have changed a lot at school) and I see no possibility to do it at the moment (money-, time-, and power-wise). The info was very much unexpected for me, so I am still in a deep schock and not really getting exactly what happened. Yesterday I was just worrying about finishing my thesis, sure I have all the exams done and now I stand in front of a huge disaster that costed me a lot of money and even more work put into it.

Now I know I have to pull together again, there's a lot of work in front of me. I have to pass three Java exams and find a job very very fast, because my unemployment money runs only until May. Actually there's no time to cry, but today I am going to go to bed early and indulge in crying as much as I feel like.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Feeling blue...

2008-01-15T17:15:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling blue for the last couple of days.

First of all I am worrying about my Master thesis, due in mid-Feb. I have barely anything written until now and have been procrastination on it for two years now. I just don't seem to be able to get anything done and I need my degree and three exams to be able to find a new job, which I need badly. I know that as soon as those things were over I'd be much happier.

I'm also worrying about finances. My unemployment money runs out in June. I need a job until then and Berlin has a very bad market in general. We still consider moving, but it can't be done as long as we are not finished with the school (both of us).

I'd so want to stitch now and not think about boring workflows, Java programming, taking multiple choice exams or anything like that. I scheduled the SCJP exam for Feb 1st, though, so I need to get going on that too. And have my thesis half-written until then too, sigh...

Oh, well...

2008-01-11T14:28:00.000+01:00

Yesterday came and went by far too fast... I enjoyed our free day immensely, even though we were both fairly tired. I guess when those three months are over we'll both need a lot of sleeping.

So, yesterday I brought DD to the kindergarten, then we went for a walk, ate breakfast in a cafe at the corner, then went to the library to pick up some books for me, then went for a long walk in the city centre and Tiergarten. Then it was time to pick DD up, so we did. We ate at a local Chinese place and spent the rest of the day just doing nothing. It was such a great day.

Today is back to reality, though. I write some mails, went through the books to see if they are of any use for my thesis and now it's time to pick DD up and do some house cleaning before weekend. I have to write at least 2-3 pages this evening, after DD's gone to bed and read one chapter for the SCJP exam.

I also found a job fair in April in Berlin and registered for it. Until then I should already have my diploma and at least two, if not three exams done, so it would be great to use the opportunity. I'm going to start sendind out job application end of March, so the fair comes exactly at the right time.

Oh, and I forgot to write how proud I am of my DBF to have finsihed this paper. It took hime over two years and he's been struggling a lot, so the last couple of weeks when he got really productive make me really optimistic about the future. Now he only has the master thesis to write, just like me :)

Thanks for your nice comments :)

Deborah, yes my plate is full at the moment, but I try to take one bite at a time. One day it'll get better. I just need to believe it.

Grrh...

2008-01-08T21:13:00.000+01:00

Unfortunately DBF still needs to make some changes, so we didn't celebrate today. I hope Thursday. I must admit that I didn't take this delay well. I know it's just two days and I have enough of my own stuff to worry about and be busy, but it threw me off of track and I spent the whole nicht crying and trying to fall asleep (without much success) which of course meant that I wasted another day. But I feel better now, so I hope to get some work done tomorrow. And today I'm going to indulge in stitching a bit and go through one book for my thesis.

That's life

2008-01-07T22:53:00.000+01:00

After spending the whole day reading blogs, BBs, updating my blogg roll AND stitching I only feel a tad guilty. I do feel like I'm getting a bit of my life back and I hope it's going to help me in the long run to achieve other goals. But surely, I do need to limit those activities, LOL.

Anyway, I have a first, still fairly small, but a very real BLOB on my Dimensions Winter's Lace. I decided to indulge in a new start for the GFJ (Guilty Free January) to celebrate my coming back to stitching. I've chosen this design, because DBF loves wolves and I wanted to stitch something for him iat last. I am going to OOAT on it at the moment, util I'm bored and then move to one of my older WIPs that got so mercilessly neglected last year. But at the moment I'm enjoying my wolvies :)

DBF is sitting and finishing his paper for school. It's going to be ready this night, and we're going to celebrate it tomorrow by spending the day together and having fun. Well, I don't have anything to celebrate actually, but I hope a worry-free day is going to give me a kick in my own work. Also tomorrow we're going to be at the same place with DBF - master thesis + three exams left to finish. Actually my exams have nothing to do with school, but three exams are three exams. My deadline for master thesis is mid-Feb though, so I need to be working faster. I want to win the race anyway ;P

Which brings me to the topic of my in-laws-to-be. I do not have much experience with in-laws in general, especially not such ones... I do not get them at all, they always say how much they care for us and how important we are, but they act just the opposite. On Christmas, for example, they stopped talking to DBF, because he hadn't finished his paper for school. Now, surely he should have, etc. but first we pay for our living ourselves and second they didn't even ask for reasons. And third if they're not talking to DBF why they also refused to wish a Merry Christmas to me and DD?? I don't get it at all, in the end they just said DBF should send them a letter when he has finished that stupid paper, so that they can get on speaking terms with us again.

Of course, there is a lot of story behind that, DBF has been struggling to finish school for years, much too long. Everyone knows that. Last year he finally went to counselling, which revealed learning disabilities, etc. and things started to get better. I also try to help as much as I can, re-read his papers (which is not easy, German is not my mother tongue), support him, etc. And I can see progress. But expecting him to be finished with a month or two is simply not realistic. It's not that he's not smart, he's been working for years in the industry, even though he's not an engineer yet, has some patents and has been supporting his family. But writing, especially those ultra-long scientific papers is another story.

I am also guilty of slacking off for much too long and losing some very good career chances. In fact I still struggle to get back on the right path. But we both have shattered families behind us and some life experience that I do not wish to anyone. I was very very ill last year, up to the point that my Mom had to take my DD with her for several weeks, because I was not able to care for her. DBF lost his kids.

But then, we both survived whatever happened, we are back on track, more or less, we are building a new family, with much success. DD's speach therapist commented short before Christmas, that she rarely sees such happy, open and balanced children. She should have seen her several months ago and she had been shocked. It has been a very hard work to get to this point and the credit goes to all three of us.

I hope the learning & career front is going to get sorted out exactly the same way, stpe by step, getting back on the right track, reaching milestone after milestone and finally getting at the place where we are both comfortable. But what we need at the moment is some support,or at least leaving us in peace, not calling names and accusing us of everything bad that happened on this planet.

All in all, in a way, I am happy that the in-laws are not speaking with us. At least I'm not fearing the telephone ringing any more and I'm not dreading having to visit them in January. To every cloud, there's a silver lining...

SBQ

2008-01-06T15:11:00.000+01:00

Q : Are you starting something new to celebrate the New Year or participating in "Guilt Free January?" If so, what are you planning on starting?

I am participating in the Guilty Free January this year. I am going to start Dimension's Winter Lace, because wolves are DBF's favorite animals (and he hasn't got anything stitched form me yet, because I have been on a hiatus) and because I feel like starting something new with no memories, thoughts or feeling attached to it. I am going to keep it as my only piece, as I have very very very little time for any hobby at the moment and I would like to see a progress, no matter how small it may be...

I hope that establishing times to relax and unwind is going to help me to get going faster in other areas.

A little bit of everything

2008-01-06T00:21:00.000+01:00

This year's Christmas and New Years Eve haven't made me re-think my life as much as they usually do, they went by somehow unnoticed, but still it's a good time to stop for a while. 2007 was so full of events, that sometimes even I get lost.

We split up with T. My friendship relationship with DBF changed to not-only-friendship relationship. We moved in together. We had to adjust to each other. His sons moved out and away from here. DD had a hard time adjusting, DBF had a hard time adjusting. I had a hard time adjusting. I lost my job. I had a hard time adjusting. DBF, DD and I grew together and consider ourselves a true family now. Financial problems. We're trying to figure out if we should stay in Berlin or move to the south-west Germany. I made a plan for learning and getting a new job. I have a hard time sticking to it (I'm already behind 2-3 weeks). I gained a lot of weight. We celebrated X-mas and New Year at my parents.

2008 sees our relationship strong and stable, actually I can't remember being so happy in my life. Of course, nothing is so perfect that it can't get better, but we're going in the right direction.

What needs attention most is of course the work situation or rather the lack thereof. The two most important things at the moment is to graduate and to pass the Java and J2EE exams. Actually this has been my goal for some time, but I never came round to actually doing it. But now I'm on the right track, even if I'm not travelling as fast as I'd like, I need to get more structured and stop losing time in most stupid ways and then I should be fine.

January and February will be very busy with my thesis and preparing for the exams, so I don't plan much more for this time. But I want to get some of my life back, then. I want to read more, start stitching again, meet my friends more often, spend quality time with DBF. I also need to take care of myself more. Lose weight again, have my hair done, buy some clothes, exercise. And have all those activities integrated in my daily life.

I also need to work through some thoughts and feelings. I may go for another round of counselling or just think and write, write, write. The issues are not huge, but still sometimes they hurt and sometimes they make life a bit more difficult.

I hope for a good year in 2008 and I feel that achieving it lies in my hands, it doesn't depend on some kind of dark and unpredictable fate. I have a wonderful family, now I need to take care of the rest of my life and deep inside I am optimistic about it.

I would like to wish everyone:

A VERY VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

New Year

2008-01-05T18:00:00.000+01:00

Well, my first New Year resolution should be to blog regularly ;) Last year was not the best one, and I'd like to come back to blogging, because I miss it. Last year was very chaotic in general, with miriads of changes everywhere, and I must admit that I had a hard time adjusting to everything. I hope for a much calmer and easier year now.

But here are my goals for 2008:

Finish my thesis.
Graduate.
Pass SCJP.
Pass SCWCD.
Pass SCBCD.
Cook healthy.
Lose weight.
Exercise.
Re-write my CV.
Find a job (preferably in Berlin).
Move.
Read every day to DD.
Follow through with DD's diagnosis and speach therapy.
Find a good school for DD.
Start stitching again regularly.
Blog regularly.
Read more.
Stay in touch with my friends.

Weekend's coming...

2007-10-05T10:30:00.000+02:00

3rd of October is a holiday in Germany, so we spent it outdoors with a kite. The wind was very weak, so it was more socializing than anything else, especially because everybody in berlin seems to be flying a kite on Oct 3rd ;) We'll try once more on another day.

My German course is still making fun. Yesterday we had Rilke as main topic, so I googled for his biography afterwards. I must admit he's seems to have been a very unpleasant person, but his poetry is beautiful, so I guess I'm able to forgive him ;) I need to read a bit more of German literature, I somehow stopped learning anything new about literature since I left school, LOL.

I am also doing quite OK mood-wise. I worry a lot about financial problems and about not finding a job soon, but otherwise, I'm OK.

Long time no see

2007-10-02T09:07:00.000+02:00

Yes, I know I've been disappeared for much too long. Life got busy in some ways and really plain in others, so I guess I just needed time to sort everything out before being back. But I want to get better at updating my blog more often, I guess I need some kind of structure back in my life.

There have been some major changes in my life again. We're still together with DBF, which is a small wonder itself. But his ex moved 800km away from here and his boys decided to go with her. So we're down from 3 kids to only one at home. Quite a change and not an easy one for DBF.

DD is doing good. She had some problems coping with all the changes last spring, but it seems she completely settled down now and is happy with the situation as it is.

I lost my job in June and have been unemployed since then. I am working on writing my thesis and learning for the Java Programmer Certificate exam, but I must admit I am not doing best at home. I am really not meant to be a stay at home mom and especially at the beginning I had huge problems coping. I thing the depression is over, but it's still no fun to be unemployed. Even though I have so much more time now, I am not back at any hobbies. The only thing I am doing purely for myself is an advanced German language course. It's mainly about literature, writing and advanced language issues and it makes fun, even though I use German at home every day. I have been thinking about taking something similar in English, because I am really forgetting it much too fast.

As finding a job in Berlin seems so difficult, we've been thinking about moving to south-west Germany recently. That's where DBF comes from, so at least we'd have a tad of social network at first. It's still nothing we've decided for sure, but it's getting more probable with evsry day I am unemployed. I am not very happy about this decision, I'd rather stay here, but I may not habe much choice.

Time for un update

2007-03-22T12:49:00.000+01:00

My home feels like a battlefield at the moment ;) We try to decide on the paint, furniture, etc. which is kinda funny with three kids. We have to repaint the rooms done by the kids, but at least they had a lot of fun. It also helps that they are going to have their own rooms, so they have fun planning ;)

The honeymoon is definitely over and we had some problems with the kids (actually all three), but after a lot of talking, talking, talking things seem to have settled down for now. Of course, I know the peace is just temporary, but at least we managed to clarify a lot of issues.

Between me and DBF all is still too good to be true ;) It doesn't mean everything is obvious, I forgot how much different our cultural and social backgrounds are, but at least at the moment we are really good at talking and solving problems before they arise. I guess it's a good thing, but I'm still really cautious.

I flunked awfully at my Lent goals, but decided that home-made cake is so good at making atmosphere at home better, that the goal is not as important. I gained some weight back, but not very much and when things settle down, I am going to go back to dieting.

Weekends

2007-03-05T14:14:00.000+01:00

I have my home back for myself only :) It feels very empty still and definitely different than it used to be, but I guess I'm going to get used to it soon. I decided to keep it for myself only until my new DBF is ready to move in. But even then, we're going to make a lot of changes. I like changes.

As you can guess things with DBF are going well at the moment. Actually almost too good to be true, I feel so different than in all those years. The kids are so different and I can afford being myself with them around which is a huge change. I could never imagine than being myself may ever feel strange, but it does :) Anyway I'm happy and that's all that counts at the moment. I am still kinda waititng for the other shoe to drop, though, but maybe I'm just overreacting at the moment.

DD is coping with all the changes quite well, she just cries much more often than before, but I hope this is going to get better soon too. She adores the DBF's kids which helps a lot I guess. In general it helps a lot that we have known each other for quite a time (DBF is DD's godfather) so it doesn't feel as new. On the other hand it feels quite funny - to fall in love with DD's godfather ;)

I am also planning to come back to having hobbies, I've already dug out my stitching things :)

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-22T11:56:00.000+01:00

I didn't make it to the church yesterday, although I actually wanted to. But I was tired and it would mean for DD going to bed after 8.30pm, which is much too late on a weekday. So we didn't make it.

But still, it was a day when I had more time to think about things than I usually do. I try not to overanalyze (yeah, I know there's no real chance to actually succeed at this goal, but at least I try to keep overanalyzing to my minimum necessary level), but sometimes such a day is well needed. I let all the problems make themselves heard, there are still so many of them. I wish it were over now, I have a very hard time coping with everything. Well, at least at the moment financial problems are getting so burning that I have less time to think about everything else ;) N+42th time in life, I am trying to get it right this time and again I feel I am slipping down the cliff... I need to get back to the one step at a time mode.

I've been thinking hard what I should do for the Lent and nothing better comes to my mind then giving up sweets and yelling at DD. Both are difficult enough for me to make good goals, so keep your fingers crossed for me, I'm gonna need it.

I am also slowly adjusting to being alone. Eating alone, sleeping alone. It doesn't feel as bad any more and there are times when I actually enjoy being able to do what I please instead of taking into consideration other people's needs. I can read as much as I wish without being scolded for wasting my time :) OK, things are not gonna stay this way, I have to write my stupid thesis sooner or later.

Things with my friend are complicated and sometimes I can't get rid of the feeling that it makes everything rather harder than easier. I guess I should have known it.

On the bright side, I managed to keep my weight and even lose a tad - 200g.

More changes - the Tower Part II

2007-02-16T11:23:00.000+01:00

Do you remember my tarot card, the Tower? At this point everything that happened next had already been set into scene, I just didn't know about it yet. The destruction was painful, but necessary. I shiver now when I think that I could have lived with someone like that for many more months or even years.

What I didn't believe at that time though, was the second part, the one about the destruction being necessary to make space for building up something new. I know something new needs a lot of available space and I'm going to give it as much space as I can. I'd actually go away immediately from this something new now, if it wasn't my bestest friend.

Whatever happens I do enjoy it at the moment and I had the most beuatiful V-Day I can remember. Completely heart-, pink- and red-free ;) Just perfect.

Weight loss progress

2007-02-06T12:51:00.000+01:00

To everything there is a silver lining...

If you watch my weight loss progress bar, you've noticed that I'm halfway to my ideal weight, with a BMI of a nice 23. I have lost 8.5 kg and the difference is really astonishing. I think I am two clothes sizes smaller and actually feel pretty again ;) Of course I'm still not completely there, especially as I mainly lost weight above the waist and on the belly. My thighs and bum haven't changed a lot and they really need to. But those zones are the last one that are willing to give up additional weight, so I hope to see a change there too.

Unfortunately I have no camera, but I will try to talk someone into taking some photos of me, maybe during the weekend and I'll post them. I have some new clothes (the "get better" found I got from my Mom) so for the first time for years I'll actually enjoy posing ;)

Of course not everything is so simple and goes so well. I am looking for roommates for my appartment and haven't found any yet. I hope the time when I have to pay complete rent all alone won't be too long.

I also have problems at work. Last months have been very hard on me and my performance at work has suffered accordingly. I got a very bad review yesterday, so I cried all evening. The reviewer was mostly right, which only made it more painful. I hope I'll manage to get things back to my usual level soon, one thing I don't need at all at the moment is looking for a new job.

Doing better

2007-02-03T21:03:00.000+01:00

Thigs are starting to clear up and I'm doing way better than before. I still have a lot of paperwork to do and I really hate that, but I already have some ideas about what I want and what I absolutely do not want. I guess it's a good point to start with.

In the meantime, as you can see above, I have lost a lot of weight, which is good. OK, it's much too fast, but I can already eat normal again, so I guess the weight loss is going to slow down dramatically now. I also went to hair stylist and actually feel pretty again.

The End

2007-01-23T09:20:00.000+01:00

T. split up with me on Saturday definitely. I still can't stop crying yet, so many hopes, so much time and effort invested. I so wanted it to work...

I have to decide whatever I stay in Germany or go back to Poland to live with my parents. Both have pros and cons and I just don't know what to do.

I'm so scared of the future, that I can't cope with anything at the moment, so I'm staying with my parents this week in Poland. It won't be long enough to get really better, but at least I'm away from the situation for the moment. It's still very painful and I miss home unbelievably, but the point is that I have no home at the moment. I have to decide where it is going to be and how I am going to solve financial problems.

Will this pain ever end? All I want from life is a family and someone to love and I can never get it. Why???

How painfully true...

2007-01-16T13:04:00.000+01:00

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Sigh

2007-01-16T10:21:00.000+01:00

The home situation is heading fast in a very bad direction and there's actually nothing I can do to change it. I am extremely unhappy because of it, because I still do love and it's going to break my and DD's heart.

My current survival strategy is to take care of myself. I am dieting again and I want to lose those 15 kg overweight I have and I'm going to a hairstylist soon. I've had long, blonde hair for 15 years and it's high time for a change. I want to celebrate my new single life with a new attractive look ;)

I hope I'll be able to update my weight loss ticker very often, lol.

2007 Goals Part III

2007-01-12T10:45:00.000+01:00

OK, but this one is the last one:

10. Be a better Mom.

I have to decide if I'm going to commit to teaching Alizée to read this year or not. As it's not a good idea to teach reading in two languages in the same time, I have to teach Polish either before or a year or two after she goes to school. And I don't like the idea of her being 8 or older when she's first introduced to reading in Polish. The drawback is that I should spend 10-15 minutes with her reading every day and I don't seem to be able to do it at the moment. I just need a way to become more organized, 10 minutes a day is really not that much.

Taking care of her friendships is easy, I like the Moms, so meeting them regularly is fun not only for DD.

No karate skipping, no matter how much I feel like going home directly after work. Next year I'd like DD to go to dance class, but this year I think just karate is OK.

At least twice a month I'd like us to do something extra (educational) for DD, visit a museum, go to the zoo, theater, or for a really long walk. We do it already, but why not list it anyway and I'd like to go to the theater or museum with her more often now, when she's over 3 years old.

Stop skipping evening reading session (this should get better in March after my thesis is due).

2007 Goals Part II

2007-01-08T11:18:00.000+01:00

5. Return to having hobbies. I miss stitching and knitting socks and I wnat to come back to them. I just need to find a way to incorporate them into my life that I still have enough time to write the thesis.

6. Exercise.

7. Sort out all problems from previous life.

8. Decide what I want to do when I grow up ;) This includes decisions concerning: PhD, relationship, where I want to live and what I really want to do.

9. Learn to prioritize and spend my time wisely on most important goals.

I think this should be it, anything above would be a bonus.

2007 Goals

2007-01-03T14:29:00.001+01:00

2007 Goals

I haven't listed my goals in the last two years and I can't help having an impression that I achieved less, then when I was clearly defining and listing my goals. So here comes the first draft of my goals, I'm sure I'm going to rewrite and reorder them several times, but it's a start.

1. Lose weight. My current weight is 74 kg, my goal is 60 kg. I know I have listed this goal again and again, but this time I bet on New Year's Eve and I'm going to win the bet!!!

2. Write my Master thesis (due in Feb/March)

3. Improve my English. Although I am still reading a lot, my English started to deteriorate. I am going to write more and possible find someone who would wish to exchange e-mails on a regular basis (like once-twice a week) and who would correct mine and wouldn't mind giving some language tipps. Also. I want to come back to blogging.

4. Learn Java and J2EE. If possible, I am going to stick with my job in 2007, but I don't want to fall even more behind than I am now.

More to come...

Happy New Year

2006-12-28T19:51:00.000+01:00

It's too late to wish you all Merry Christmas, but at least it's still possible to wish a very happy and healthy New Year.

My life is still a roller coaster, there are some good, but also some very bad days. I am going to therapy and that's why I've withdrawn myself from online life recently, but I still read, even if I don't comment much. I know the time will come when I'll be ready to come back, because I miss you very much.

In the menatime my DD has become a real bilingual child and hasn't stopped amazing me daily. Although my German is really good, I envy her ability to switch between the languages without any thinking and above all her perfect accent in both, sigh :)

My employer is going through deep financial issues, so I life's not easy financially as well. I am also switching in New Year to another department. No more programming at the moment, I will help out with the roll outs and user training. I actually enjoy doing that, so have no problem at the moment. I'd just hate being stuck doing that forever.

I have made some progress on my Master thesis, although of course not as much as I'd like to. But I've been researching my option regarding doing doctoral studies and writing a PhD thesis, hoping it's going to motivate me to get my damn Master thesis ready ;) We'll see.

I still have decisions to make, that are going to imapct my and my DD's life deeply, but I still don't know what I'm going to do. I guess it's going to take time to know exactly what I want and what I am able to accept, but I'm not ready yet to write about it all openly. So if you want to talk to me :), please e-mail me at gosiuniek AT gmx DOT de. I'll be happy to reply :)

Long time...

2006-10-06T13:41:00.000+02:00

I'm back and hopefully back for good. I had a very rough time bwteen May and September and I'm actually still not over, but... I think everything is going to be better. I heard some words this morning that I wanted to hear during all this long and painful period. I now believe that we are able to solve our problems and be happy together.

I am going to wirte more about the last months, mainly because this blog is well hidden from anyone who knows me in real life, so it's the only place I can write about my true feelings, no matter how good or bad they are. I have missed writing here, but I was so depressed and saddened that I didn't want to get more sad by overanalyzing everything.

WWI , Easter, Baptism & Co.

2006-04-20T09:18:00.000+02:00

Let's start with the least pleasant facts:

Start weight: 170
Last week: 162,5
Current weight: 165,5 unfortunately :(
Not that I didn't expect it after Easter with my parents, DD's baptism, but I'm still not happy about it. I hope that next week everything is back to normal and I'll start losing weight again. I know I need to cut sweets and bad carbs much more than I do at the moment, especially at work (I'm much better at home), but I have such problem to get up in the morning and prepare propoer food for myself, sigh...

And now back to last week. On Thursday DBF took me to the only stitching shop in Berlin to make up for the not-very-pleasant birthday. The whole week was difficult, because DD was running very high fever and was generally very cranky, but on Thirsday she felt much better so we went. We had a dinner in a very cool Italian restaurant. Very yummy and DD was so well behaved (well, she knocked her water glass off the table, but it didn't break, so...) Then we went to the LNS. Unfortunately even though I really wanted to give them some money it turned out to be almost impossible. There are not many German designers whose work I really like, but there are some. I hoped to find at least some kits by Der Feine Faden, but no luck. I went through UB-Designs patterns and found some I liked, but whenever I liked something the shops didn't have the right banding for it. In the end I took 3 of the UB-Designs, but I'll have to order the banding over the Internet. What's the point in running a shop if you don't carry anything? I aslo wanted to get some Tentakulum hand-dyed silk for exchanges or RAKs, but they also stopped carrying it, sigh... Still it was fun to be able to go to that shop. DBF really liked the models shown in the shop and he was very encouraging as far as shopping is concerned :) He said he liked most of the pieces and wanted me to buy some patterns and kit them up. I guess he's really a keeper :)

We asked our friend Dirk and my brother to be DD's godfathers. Unfortunately on Good Friday my brother got attacked by a drunken man on his way back from work. He lost 2 front teeth, has a broken nose and has wounds from his broken glasses. Fortunately, neurologically he's completely OK, but still he wasn't able to come. I'm really furious about it and even more about the timing. I so wanted to get to know his girlfriend and I wanted him to be DD's godfather. My Mom stepped in instead.

Easter and the baptism itslef were very nice. The weather was not great, but quite OK and DD was very well nehaved in the church. I was expecting at least some drama, but no. She was afraid of what was happening but snugged tightly with my Mom and stayed calm. She just didn't let us put the flower band on her head during the Mess, but after the church decided she liked them :) so she even got some photos wearing it LOL. I loved the Mess, it was very beautiful and I loved the way the priest addressed me and DBF as a family and our situation in the homily.

We went to a garden afterwards and we all had fun (especially DD on the playground LOL). It was a very nice day and I'm happy everything went without problems.

I have been thinking about visiting Poland and my home town in May. There's going to be 10 year graduation reunion organized either on the 13th or the 20th of May. We'll see... We're going to DBF's home town on May 3rd to visit his parents and I'm really looking forward to it. I love travelling with DBF and his home town - Wroclaw is really beautiful. I'm sure it's going to be fun.

B-day

2006-04-12T09:50:00.002+02:00

Originally this post should describe my birthday (yesterday), but I decided not to vent here this time. Anyway I'm happy it's over :)

Wed Weigh-In & Misc.

2006-04-05T08:42:00.000+02:00

Start weight: 170
Last week: 164,5
Current weight: 162,6

I admit I was really bad this week, I'll try hard to be better this week. I still want to lose ca. 25 lbs before summer.

**************

I have been really MIA recently and it's time to get better :) My blog hit the 10,000 visits mark and I haven't even noticed it till now. Anyway, please CELEBRATE with me!!! I still rememebr when I was waiting for the first clicks :)

Life gets easier and easier after the move, but we still have a lot to do. The curtains are still not up and we need to lay the floor in both halls. I hope we'll manage to do it before my family comes for DD's baptism on Easter Monday. They say it's OK, if we don't manage to get everything ready, but I'd like to have the appartment looking really nice until then.

I will also get to know my brother's DGF, I haven't met her yet. You can tell I'm really curious :)

I'm also excited about DD's baptism and hope Easter Monday is going to be a beautiful day. I laugh that she'll be baptised on my "church" birthday, I was born on Easter Monday :)

The weather got so much better here, everything says Spring! We're going to start making bike excursions this weekend. I haven't been riding a bike for over 8 years, so I'm a tad scared (especially of the cars), but I hope I'll get used to doing it fast. We bought me a nice bike last November and almost haven't used it since then (mainly due to bad weather) so it's high time to start.

A stitching update will follow in the afternoon.

2006-03-30T10:14:00.000+02:00

Stolen from Belinda:

You Are 64% Open Minded

You are a very open minded person, but you're also well grounded.

Tolerant and flexible, you appreciate most lifestyles and viewpoints.

But you also know where you stand firm, and you can draw that line.

You're open to considering every possibility - but in the end, you stand true to yourself.

How Open Minded Are You?

Wednesday Weigh-In

2006-03-29T12:13:00.000+02:00

Coming back to Wednesday Weigh-Ins!!!

Start weight: 170
Last week: 166,5
Current weight: 164,5

Home of the Sick

2006-03-21T11:24:00.000+01:00

Me: nasty kidney infection last week + a cold this week, but went back to work yesterday
DBF: strep throat this week
DD: sporadic coughing + running nose - pretty much the norm this winter

I really can't wait to go back home today, my head is exploding and I feel so tired. I'm so ready for this nasty weather to be over. It's supposed to be spring here!!!

On the positive side last week was great stitching-wise :) Lots of time in bed to do nothing but read and stitch. I also managed to completely clean and unpack the kitchen on Friday because I felt a bit better and now at least I can cook normally. I'm going to bake blueberry muffins today :) A new stove is a very cool thing, I'm really enjoying it :)

I am slowly trying to switch our diet to healthy wholemeal way of cooking, but I'm still not well enough for big planning/shopping. Hopefully next week and this week I just try to include as much raw vegetables as possible.

I carried you

2006-03-10T12:15:00.000+01:00

The Lent has brought me to devote more thoughts to the Lord, even with the move and everything. I know everyone knows and has stitched Footprints, but it's the first time I have actually understood the poem. Before it was just "kinda nice" relationship.

I also know that it's going to be my next religious stitching project, I just need to decide which version :) At the moment it's a close tie between TW and Dimensions versions - I am slightly leaning towards Dimensions... I still have some time to decide, I'm going to ask DBF to get it for me as a birthday pressie :)

BTW this poem explains so well why the really tough times were easier to survice than much of the so-so times...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson

MOVED!!

2006-03-07T13:27:00.000+01:00

We have moved to the new appartment! Yay! Unfortunately many things are taking longer than planned so we're still living out of boxes, but there's some progress. I guess as long as we are getting things done, it's OK and we'll have next weekend to finish some areas. I'll be catching up with everyone soon :)

The Lent

2006-03-02T12:45:00.000+01:00

After everybody has blogged about the Lent, I'm finally coming to doing it as well. After much thinking, I've decided to give up sweets and junk food. Now, it's going to be really hard with our kitchen not finished yet, but I hope with some imagination, I'll manage to prepare some real meals. And I hope that the last parts of our kitchen are going to arrive soon and I'll be able to enjoy it :)

I must say that giving up sweets is really hard for me. We have some stress at work and usually I'd already be grabbing a bag of sweets or at least getting some apple/pear tarte from the French bakery downstairs. Instead I sit and eat my apples and carrots and try to convince myself it's good for me, LOL. Now, I know it's good for me, because I've been eating much too much sweets recently. So I just hope I can hold on. I see the Lent as a transition period anyway. An incentive to do it and I do not intend to come back to eating sweets after it's over anyway.

I also know I have to work on my negative feelings towards certain people, because they are not going to change anything. They are harming me and my family more than the person they are directed to. We (as a family) just need to work on setting boundaries, because the lack of those is causing 90% of the problems.

Misc.

2006-02-27T12:28:00.000+01:00

You know you're working hard if you go to work to have a rest, LOL. I do feel like that now. We worked in the new appartment the whole weekend and we managed to get some walls painted. We also assembled the bedroom furniture and started on the kitchen. The bedroom turned out a bit darker than I actually wanted, but it's still very nice. It's more peachy than cream now and with the birch furniture looks really bright and happy. We only need curtains and quilt in more jewel colours or it will look like a teenage girl room LOL. We still like it very much, though.

The kitchen is started, but we couldn't place the cabinets yet, as the plumbers were not ready yet. Hopefully today they will be finished today.

It's fairly cold here, but the weather is great and it's such a pity to spend the whole time inside, but hopefully next week we'll have some time to rest and walk a bit. I also awfully miss my stitching. I have so little time, but I am so out of my stitching slump and enjoying and missing my MotG so much. I want her finished for the new appartment as soon as possible, LOL. STBXH took every single framed stitching piece, so I have nothing to put on the walls now. Thank's God I had a couple of my favorite pieces not framed yet, so I can go through them and frame, sometimes procrastination turns out to be a good thing :)

I also wanted to tell you more about the house we'll be living in. It's a fairly old house, XIXth century I think. our appartment is on the 1st floor in the front house. The house belongs to the Catholic Church :) But the most amazing thing about it are the neigbours! See, living in Berlin you're used to not knowing your neighbours, unless they make parties during the night and you can't sleep LOL. In the last couple of days we've been working on the appartment we've been greeted by 4 (!) families living there!!! Two of them have little girls, around Alizée's age, they all attend the Catholic daycare DD will go to either in April or September and one of the girls was born the same year as DD, which means they will be in the same daycare group and then school (we want to send her to the Catholic school too). And the neighbours living on our floor are Polish too and have a little girl. I'm falling in love with house really fast, LOL.

Last weekend & co.

2006-02-21T11:35:00.000+01:00

I know I am usually whining in my blog, so i thought I'll let you know if I have good news. It seems that DBF has changed a lot as far as his kids are concerned. Of course he's not perfect but there's lots of progress and as long as it's going to continue I'm really happy with it. The bad thing was that DD has been sick again and I had to stay with her at home, instead of going to the swimpool with everyone else :( They had much fun and I'm looking forward to going there as well.

I made nice progress on MotG instead, but I'll post a picture when we get our camera back (a friend of us borrowed it). She's stitching up beautifully and I love working on her :) So much fun. DsD asked me last weekend if I could teach her to stitch, which of course made me very happy. I need to get some Aida 11ct and some big needles for her (I'm using 28 ones), but I hope it's going to be fun :) I'll post a pic as soon as she stitches anything :) She's very diligent, so I think she may turn into a really good stitcher. I used to collect UK mags and many of them have special designs for children, now I can use them even before DD gets old enough to try them out :) (she's already interested in stitching and loves to help me to pull the needle through the fabric, so actually MotG is our WIP, not only mine).

We're moving in two weeks and there's so much still to do, sigh. I only lived in this appartment for several months, so I am not looking forward to moving, but the new appartment is very pretty and so much more spacious. I'll be happiest when we're already moved in :)

Johari Window

2006-02-14T10:34:00.000+01:00

I shamelessly stole the idea from Belinda :) But I liked it so much and maybe you'll find a couple of minutes to visit mine: My Johari Window

You can see the results here (please don't take a look before you enter your description, if you want to do it, of course): The Results

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

Madonna of the Garden progress picture

2006-02-13T22:52:00.000+01:00

I wanted to show first pic of my Madonna of the Garden. All I can say, I am out of my stitching slump, and enjoying her immensely.

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

2006-02-09T10:42:00.000+01:00

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Feeling better

2006-02-08T11:41:00.000+01:00

I do not feel so depressed over the stepkids issue any more. We talked again yesterday and I feel assured that DBF loves me and DD and wants to work on the problems. I know it's unbelieveably difficult for him, as it is for me. I guess patchwork families are never easy. If the things do not get better soon, I am going to suggest counseling, maybe having a neutral observer could help. For the moment I'm going to wait and see some more.

I am so proud how well we seem to solve other issues and would be heratbroken if we split up, because of this one.

Today I'm going to visit a library and cover myself with good books :) I also hope to get some stitching time in the evening and put some work into my thesis. I am working on Madonna of the Garden and after some changing of the mind I decided on Platinum Cashel linen. Yes, it is my favorite fabric of all times LOL, but I think she's going to look beautiful on it. The purples and the greens look very good already so I'm positive I will love the end result. As much as I adore hand-dyes I have always been slightly disappointed with the way the design loosk in the end. I like my background to be just background :) I must say, though, that I've seen a couple of perfect matches, so I'm not all lost here ;)

We also need to discuss sommer holiday planning, which means fun, fun, fun :) Especially as my Mom will be taking DD for a month and we're going to go somewhere for two weeks all alone! I crave time alonee with DBF so much :) I think we're going to go to the mountains and do some hiking/climbing. We'll be also taking the kids to the Baltic Sea for two week in July, we'll be camping (with tents) so this will surely be fun as well.

And we're going to watch the IKEA catalogue again this evening, we're choosing kitchen and bedroom furniture... I love it :) I'll post a link when we've decided on what we want (we're 80% sure at the moment).

February

2006-02-07T11:59:00.000+01:00

I think it's time for an update :) Not much has changed here lately, just the usual ups and downs. Work is on the up side, I am making progress on learning Java, also managed to get some productive work done already. My motivation is up again and I'm actually happy to be on the new team. I think I am going to learn a lot and it's the right path to go for me.

School is so-so. I managed to finish all the projects, so I'm left with the thesis only. I haven't made any progress on this and I'll need to ask for an extension, but there shouldn't be a problem with obtaining that (except for that I'll need to pay for it). My grades really suck this term, I have never had such bad grades in my life. I didn't expect it to be different, though, and my average should still be good enough to grant me an overall A on the diploma, of course, if I get As for thesis and defence. We'll see.

Most of the paperwork has been done. I haven't filed for a divorce yet, though. I don't know why. I rarely rememebr that I'm still married and almost never think about the past. I know I need to stop procrastinating on this goal, visit my lawyer and file. It's going to take a century anyway, sigh.

At home... I'm afraid it's the down side. We've been fighting a lot. Things got much better, but there's a huge unsolved underlying issue between us. DBF's kids. They are really spoilt and his son is severely ADHD. When we talk DBF admits we need to introduce structure and rules, but he never really tries to do it. One tear, one sad face and he forgets everything.

I do understand that he misses them awfully and doesn't want to end up with estranged children and *I* could live with it. Clenching my teeth, but I could. But DD is having serious issues. She has night terrors on the nights the kids are with us. She doesn't understand why DBF behaves so unfair towards her, when the kids are with us. She doesn't understand why her behaviour has consequences and the other kids' doesn't. She doesn't understand why she has to share her toys and is not allowed even to look at theirs. And the kids are with us 5 out of 14 days, so it's not that seldom actually... Not mentioning of course that his behaviour is harmful to his kids too, he doesn't behave like a father and they do not or very seldom perceive him as a father.

I just don't know what to do. We do communicate. DBF always says I'm right and he wants to change but it just doesn't happen. He is normally able to modify his behaviour, we worked through some issues successfully. It's just this one problem, that makes me think about moving out... And I hate the thought...

Thank you, Belinda!!!

2006-01-26T10:46:00.000+01:00

I found the most beautiful RAK at home yesterday waiting for me It was Mirabilia's Madonna of the Garden, all kitted up and ready to get stitched immediately! Of course I couldn't and didn't resist the temptation and started it immediately.

It's the most wonderful way of coming out of my stitching slump and getting my otherwise stressful life to calm down, I love watching Madonna's face, and I know I will love stitching on her. I am mutating into a one-at-a-timer for her at the moment

Thank you so much, Belinda, and I'll be looking forward to SALing with you!!!

I need no more frost!

2006-01-23T09:48:00.000+01:00

It's cold here, so freakingly freaking cold. Could someone turn the heating on?

Today it's -20C (-4F) and we have 20 minutes walk to DD's daycare. Really no fun. I am freezing even now at work, even though I put all the heaters on full power. The streets are very dangerous, completely covered with ice, also the public transport experiences lots of delays. I put off going to school until next week, because of that. My friend was not happy about it (we should deliver a project), but as long as the teacher said it's OK for him, I'd rather not spend 5 hours in trains and over an hour waiting on diverse stations today.

The weekend has been really challanging with lots of heart pain but good moments as well. No one promised it was going to be an easy relationship, but until now we have managed to solve our problems. I hope it stays this way :)

Dark suckers

2006-01-18T11:11:00.000+01:00

I usually do not post humor in my blog, but this one is hysterical.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, more recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take, for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all of the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you will see a lot of light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach the depth of approximately 50 feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines. This generates electricity and helps push dark to the ocean, where it can be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet; but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric light bulb, remember that it is, indeed, a dark sucker.

Booking Through Thursday

2006-01-13T09:41:00.000+01:00

I don't usually answer memes, but this one is especially interesting. I read a lot and usually in different languages. Now that I've found Booking Through Thursday, I may try to answer the memes regularly. This one is from December 01.

1. Have you ever read a book in a language other than your native language?
Yes. My mother tongue is Polish, but as I live in Germany the access to books in Polish is limited. There is a Polish library and I visit Poland often enough to buy a couple of books per year, but usually I am reading either in German or English. I'd like to read more in English, but unfortunately the British Council Library fee is quite high, so I'm limited to English books that can be found in regular libraries. I have also read "real" literature in French and some abbreviated versions in Italian and Russian. While learning a foreign language, the moment you notice that you can read an unabbreviated book gives me a thrill. Wonderful feeling.

2. If so, how would you describe your experience?
I admit that I like reading books in original. Translation, no matter how good, is a translation. Certain aspects get dimmed, some get over-punctuated. There are, of course, wonderful translations. Ones that I'd read just for the sake of the translation, but even then I prefer to know the original beforehand.
That being said, I have nothing against reading translations of books that are of slightly less literary value. I usually do not care much if I read Dan Brown in English, German or Polish and the funny thing is that after a couple of weeks I can't remember the language I read the book in.

3. Have you ever read a book translated from another language into your native language? Why or why not?
4. If so, how would you describe your experience?
Yes. Like I said above, in popular literature I do not see big differences. If the translation is decent enough (there are some really, really bad ones) it won't disturb my reading pleasure. Still, I'll take the original if I have a chance and know the language.

Monday (almost) Goals

2006-01-10T11:10:00.000+01:00

I had no goals last week, so here are this weeks goals:

1. Finish my project for Programming Techniques class.
2. Finish our group project for Project Management class.
3. Write at least 5 pages of my thesis.
4. Move downstairs at work (from Jan 1 I am in a new project under a new boss).
5. No unnecessary purchases.
6. Read 200 pages in my Java book.

7. Stitch some more on Dawn Awakening's wing.
8. Go through my mags in search for the perfect spring design.
9. Fondle my stash a bit more...

Quite ambitious, but necessarily so.

BTW, I have cleaned the mess in my Blogrolling List. If you notice however that I have spelled something wrong, have a wrong title or link or just plainly forgot to add your blog, please, please let me know. I was seriously behind and might have messed something up.

I am also catching up on reading everybody's blogs and enjoy it immensely :)

More on stitching

2006-01-09T10:07:00.000+01:00

On Saturday I managed to put 2.5 hours into Dawn Awakening. All I have is a yellow-blue blob, but I'm really happy with it nonetheless, especially because after 30 minutes I managed to find back my rythmus and stitching was very pleasurable again. Buying a new hard drive for T. was a good idea, he was busy installing everything and I had time to stitch ;) I am going to try to get some stitching time regularly, despite having two projects due on the Jan 16th. I'm so ready for school to be over, I'm really happy, that it's the last term. I am going to take a pic of my blob and post it here either today or tomrrow :)

I have taken the plunge and decided to take part in the Spring Exchange, I am really looking forward to doing it.

And I've been thinking about what actually I'd like to stitch this year (this does neccasssarily mean finish this year). So my first, tentative list, as always subject to change is:

1. Dracolair Dawn Awakening
2. Spring Exchange Piece
3. Chatelaine Watergarden
4. Dimensions Gracious Era
5. MLI Celtic Banner
6. Suprise, suprise!
7. Jeannette Douglas Pacific Rim
8. TW celtic Cross <--- edited to add last two positions!!!

I think that's more than enough for this year, it's going to be very busy. Maybe I'll stitch an ornie or two, or something equally small, which I'm not going to list, but except for that, it should be it. I am also going to take pics regularly and post some older pics of my DD :)

More about Stitching, Christmas & Birthdays

2006-01-06T10:50:00.000+01:00

Finally :)

I got whole 2 hours of stash fondling yesterday and already feel better. I had no time to put an actual stitch into anything, but hey, I'm still OK. I pulled out three projects with the least memories attached to them - Dracolair Dawn Awakening, Dimensions Gracious Era and Jeannette Douglas Pacific Rim Sampler. Gracious Era has some stitching in it, the other two are new starts. T. likes Dawn Awakening most, so I guess I am going to start working on it in the first place. Maybe later on I'll get to some kind of a small rotation. Just Gracious Era doesn't really fit, as I'm fed up with winter already LOL. Maybe I'll try finding another project that isn't a new start and work it in, but I'm going to take it slowly. My first great success is that I managed to find scissors, needles, floss, chart and fabric for at least some of the projects :) I hope to be able to put some floss lengths into my Awakening Draggie today, as he's already all set up on the q-snap.

I am also thinking about being really brave and joining the Spring Exchange. I'm pretty sure I could do it. Yes, I could and I feel like stitching something special for a special person. I'm just a bit chicken at the moment, but I still have a couple of days to decide. I like exchanges and such so much...

Sometimes it feels so funny that T. hasn't even seen me stitching yet. I mean it has always been my main and most favorite hobby and an important part of who I am. I hope he'll accept it without too much hassle, especially as we both got to be very fond of listening to books on CD. And this goes really well with stitching... At the moment we are on CD 3 of Dan Brown's Deception Point and love it.

Christmas was really nice this year. I mean, except for the fact that I came down with a nasty stomach bug on Christmas Eve and T. had to prepare the dinner alone ;) But he did it great and we had some really good time together. The children liked their presents, the atmosphere was good and I was really able to relax. T. had to work on Boxing Day, but besides everything was OK. We went to Poland to visit T.'s parents on new Year's Eve. I was slightly afraid of this visit, but they turned out to be unbelieveably nice and caring and fell in love with DD. She got so rotten spoilt LOL. It feels so good to be able to offer a functioning family to her, even if it's not the original one.

Today is T.'s birthday. I got him a hard drive for his computer and he already claimed it when he had to get up at 3 am :) He seemes to be pleased with it, even though, normally, I do not consider computer parts to be a real present. This year we have to take it easy though, and we just get something small for each other, or something that we really need and would have to buy anyway.

Thanks everyone for being there, I really appreciate and I promise to keep in touch better this year.

New Year

2006-01-05T12:46:00.000+01:00

Normally you should be able to find a summary of my last year's achievements and plans for the New Year here. Unfortunately life's still too chaotic for that at the moment, so everything we'll be just very generic.

As far as my non-stitching life is concerned, last year was the most challanging ever. So many things happened... But then I'm alive and fairly well now. All good what ends good, I guess.

Stitchingwise... Well, I completely stopped stitching in June. In spite of many attempts to retake it, I haven't really managed. One thing is that we have very little space in our current appartment, other that I'm still kind of restless about everything. I also should be working on my final thesis and some minor projects for school and be learning Java for work. I do not devote enough time to any of those, but I don't stitch either. I have been thinking about maybe rewarding myself with 30 minutes stitching time for every two hours spent writing, it used to work when I was writing my Bachelor thesis... I am very much in a stitching mood today and T. is away, so maybe I'll pull out my stitching supplies and just make a start. I'll let you know...

Unfortunately I cannot use my usual fix to stitching slump - s.e.x. I have always liked Mirabilia's Madonna of the Garden. But I didn't know who to stitch it for. Through the bad times, I have found my way back to church (I'm Catholic and even though I'd never really left the church, I wasn't attending regularly), T. and his family are very religious anyway, so I'm really eager to stitch it for us now. Unfortunately I'm completely broke now so it will take some time till I'll be able to afford it. Not, that I have nothing to stitch in the meantime LOL. I've been thinking about joining the 2006 Challange on the Wagon, but wouldn't it be unfair, if I don't buy, because I can't afford it, not because I choose not to buy LOL?

I'm going to dig in my stash today and see what I will come out with, I'm sure I'll find something appealing.

2006 should see much less drama in my life... In March we'll be moving to a much much bigger appartment, which should solve quite a number of problems. That's why we are saving that badly at the moment. A friend of us laughs that at least our new appartment is going to be very zen, because we have very little furniture, but I think it's going to be fun anyway. Like moving out of your parents home again, LOL. We're just going to take credit and buy things for the kitchen, because I can't imagine cooking for 3 kids without having a kitchen. IKEA is going to see us more often now, choosing everything :)

Our current appartment is very small. We have one bedroom where Allie sleeps permanently and T.'s kids when they're with us and a second room which acts as our bedroom, living room, dining room and kids' playroom. The kitchen is so small that only one person can fit inside :) Absolutely no space to hide, to run away, no privacy. Am I complaining? No! I have very strong conflict-avoiding tendencies and this appartment has been a very good cure. There is no way to run away, so I won't. I'm really getting so much better at it and I hope that moving to a place that is 3 times as big won't stop the trend. As much as I yearn my own space, I am going to miss our teeny tiny little nest ;) Starting from scratch definitely has many bright sides to it ;)

I am not making any resolutions this year. Of course there are things I want to finish, like my thesis and school in general. I also want to learn more for work and establish better routines in my life. But I will take life as it comes and will try to make most of it. Life is beautiful, no matter how difficult.

My greatest wish for 2006 is to be able to post stitching/knitting/sewing/quilting Happy Dances here and stop boring you with all the malheurs that happen to me :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!

Harry Potter

2006-01-03T12:37:00.000+01:00

You scored as Hermione Granger. You're one intelligent witch, but you have a hard time believing it and require constant reassurance. You are a very supportive friend who would do anything and everything to help her friends out.

Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com

Major sinusitis

2005-12-14T11:02:00.000+01:00

Sorry for being MIA, but I have a sinusitis from hell. For over 10 days it just doesn't want to get any better, even though I am on antibiotics. I'm so yearning for it to be over, my head is killing me all the time. Except for that everything is OK, but I'll write more when I'm back to somewhat healthy. Take care!!

It's my party and I cry if I want to...

2005-11-25T10:18:00.000+01:00

... you would cry too, if it happened to you!

I've been quiet because of being on a downward spiral again. This week has been really bad and I mean really, really bad. I have quite a lot of problems because of the debt I acquired from STBXH. There's so much paperwork still to do regarding everything, divorce, debts, DD's daycare, taxes, I mean everything. And it's too much for me. I have problems keeping up with everything, going to the appointments, brining the right documents, sorting everything out. They usually also want STBXH to sing something and somehow cannot understand that I cannot MAKE him sign anything. Sigh...

Add problems with T's children to to the mixture and you have one me who is completely losing it. Unfortunately T is so much into his own problems with the children that he's not a real help. He cannot understand that I'm already on the verge on breaking down, that I cannot take much more, that I need help with all those tasks until I get on my feet again. He says he understands but he continues business as usual, awaiting help from me and ignoring my problems. It has worked quite well until now, but at the moment I simply cannot.

It's snowing here in Berlin, for the first time this winter... It's just one month until Christmas and I hoped this Advent was going to be so calm and happy... I guess it was unrealistic to begin with, the war with life has never ended, it was just a ceasefire and it's over now... Sorry for being so pathetic, I hope tomorrow is going to be a better day.

The weekend

2005-11-16T13:01:00.000+01:00

Last week I got a nasty UTI, so I wasn't in the mood to write anything. Fortunately it got much better till Friday, so we still could follow our plans for the weekend.

Saturday was Allie's second birthday and we decided to celebrate it outside of Berlin. We went to a riding farm in Poland and had a blast! We could all ride (and I didn't forget everything, just the half LOL - I felt so awkward in the sattle, I knew what to do, but my muscles did not comply). T. tried riding as well and he seems to have caught the bug. He's already talking about going riding soon again :) The children liked the farm as well, so I'm quite sure it's not the only time we went there. It's less than two hours drive from the centre of Berlin and the prices are OK. Of course it's still a lot of money to pay for the 5 of us, but I hope we'll be able to afford it from time to time :)

Allie's father did not bother to call or send her anything :( I feel so sorry for her, even though she doesn't really suffer because of it at the moment. For a two-year-old those months she hasn't seen him are enough to stop missing him, but I know it's going to have consequences in the future, sigh... My poorest baby.

SBQ

2005-11-03T11:46:00.000+01:00

If you have stitched for a while, can you usually pick out the DMC colors you need from memory when you go to your LNS? (For example, you know that 610 is a brown.)

I have memorized some of the DMC and Anchor colours memorized, but not that many I must admit. Even though I haven't really stitched an big TW yet, I know most of her favorite colours (mainly because they are so pretty, I think). I also recognize a number of colours passively, that is I can't remember the number if someone asks, but recognize it when someone mentions it. I'm quite sure, that when I'm back to stitching I'm going to memorize even more numbers.

October Report & November Goals

2005-11-03T10:50:00.000+01:00

So much for October:

1. Finish gathering the documents for Child Services and report STBXH for not paying child support since July (I only need one more document). I may be elligible for child support advance from Child Services, which means that they would try to track him down and get their money back instead of me. I just need one more document, which I hope to be able to obtain today. DONE
2. Decide what I am going to programm for school and start designing it. NOPE
3. Bank. DONE
4. Decide which Microsoft exam I am going to take first and check until when they are going to offer them (with VS.NET 2005 due in November) NOT YET
5. Talk to Mom about her taking DD during summer holidays next year. DONE, she's taking DD in August.
6. Try to track STBXH again and if he's still missing get paperwork done for filing a divorce without his consent (more difficult, more expensive) I know he's home, but refuses to talk to me, so I have to go with the no-consent option, when my lawyer is back from holiday.
7. Bring the remaining documents to DD's daycare (and try to prove I had no income until July - I mean it's easy to prove income, but how to prove NO income??) NOT YET
8. Start writitng my Master thesis, so that I'll be able to show something in November to my prof. OUCH, NO!
9. Find a nice recipe for veggie enchiladas and make them. YEAH, very tasty!

5 done, 4 not. A very mediocre result, but at least better than nothing.

My November goals are as follows:

1. Write at least 20 pages for my Master thesis (the lit review to start with).
2. Decide on the MCSD exam, I'm going to take.
3. Make an app to try to clear my debt.
4. File divorce papers.
5. Write a letter to DD's daycore about my income in 2005.
6. Change the data at DD's child money office.
7. Fill in the unemployment closing papers and send them back.
8. Sort out all the documents from the last couple of months.
9. Go clothes shopping with T.
10. Pay school bills and take photos.
11. Learn C#.
12. Make good progress on school projects (Delphi 2005 and the book are already ordered).
13. Stitch at least a little bit.
14. Decide what we're getting the kids for X-mass.
15. Decide what I am getting T. for X-mass.
16. Get my ears pierced for the new earrings I got from T.
17. Get wine and drink glasses.
18. Ride my new bike!!!
19. Copy the recipes I want to keep and return the books to the library.
20. Try at least 3 new vegge recipes.
21. Make sure T. changes the address on everything that still has the old one.
22. Change the tax class on my tax card.

I think this should be it for the most urgent tasks, I'll add more if they come to my mind later.

It's time to live my dreams

2005-11-01T12:35:00.000+01:00

I am going to restart riding again in the spring. I have waited for so long to start living again, instead of just existing and watching the time pass… I’ve let so many of my dreams go, just because there has always been something more important to achieve. But it hasn’t brought me anywhere, it hasn’t made me a better person or helped me live a better life. So now it’s time to chase MY dreams, no matter how difficult it is.

Horse riding is my favorite sport and it always makes me calm and happy. And after everything that happened in the last years, I DO deserve to be happy. I also want to use the moment and get DBF used to the fact that I have wishes as well and that they’re equally important now. I think in a couple of years it’d get more difficult.

I am going to use the winter and gather information about places and recommendations and choose two or three we’d like to visit, so that when the weather is better again I’ll just be able to go.

See more progress on: ride horses again

Battling the weight

2005-11-01T12:20:00.000+01:00

I’m starting my battle tomorrow. Medically speakking, I am only slightly overweight, but I’m well above my personal ideal weight. Now only it doesn’t look right, but also makes things like climbing, horse riding, etc. much more difficult.

I have no definte plan yet, except that I’m going to cut back on carbs. I’m not eating much fat anyway and I don’t eat meat, so just eating less and eliminating carbs, especially sweets should do the trick.

I am also going to do much more sport, that’s why I want to get a bike and think about starting to climb. I would love to start riding again in the spring, but it’ll have to wait. I am going to get a scale soon, so watch out for my progress tracking :) I guess I’m going to go back to Wednesday weigh-in.

See more progress on: Lose 30 pounds

Another hobby: climbing.

2005-11-01T11:35:00.000+01:00

Climbing is DBF’s favorite hobby. No wonder he infected me with the bug and showed that defeating my own height anxiety can be one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever tried. I already have my climbing stuff bought and nicely waiting to be used :) I have also tried to climb, but only on artificial walls, unfortunately. I am also too heavy at the moment and my muscle is too weak, not mentioning my technique, so there’s really a lot to do before I’m able to say I can climb, it’s going to be a really long journey.

At the moment we just need to find a solution to having DD with us all the time. Maybe asking our friend to come with us, three adults should be easily able to watch one 2yo ;) Maybe we could also visit some small walls, where it’s not necessary to use the rope, but still fun to climb? DD could simply play somewhere… I start really having fun at thinking about doing sports again. I really really want to get fit this time!

See more progress on: learn to climb

BIKE: Choosing the right one!

2005-11-01T11:11:00.000+01:00

So, it’s decided we’re getting a new bike for me. Actually I haven’t had a bike for several years now, so you can guess, that I’m really excited. I already know that I want a trekking bike, or maybe a cross bike, if I find a nice one. I don’t think that a full blown mountain bike would be the right choice for Berlin, and shall I ever be in a condition good enough to ride in the mountains we’ll be getting us two new bikes. Until then I want a relatively decent bike in the 400-700 dollar range. I hope I’ll be able to find something cool :) I know the look isn’t the most important thing, but I simply want a bike that looks good and not like on old-lady-bike ;) Preferably black-silver ;)

We are going to go and have first look at the bikes tomorrow, I have two addresses of good shops in Berlin. I have also heard loads of tips on what I should be getting, etc. but I doubt I can rememebr all this. I simply hope to find someone who’ll be able to offer good service and recoomend Mr Righ Bike for me. DBF’s brother offered to help me build a perfect bike for the money we are willing to pay, but I don’t want to that long (we won’t be travelling to Wroclaw until January, I think.) So it’s decided that we’re getting it here and now.

See more progress on: buy a bike

Weekend

2005-10-31T12:16:00.000+01:00

We spent another great weekend. The weather was simply geaorgous and we had lots of fun. Each time we have the children, the first day is difficult and then it gets easier. They seem to get used to the rules and open up more. They also seem to enjoy activities more ans stop complaining that much.

Friday was pretty much low key, just a short walk with DD. On Saturday we went grocery shopping to the bio market and talked with the kids about eating vegetables, choosing and buying them, etc. Then we wanted to eat ice cream at my favorite place, but it was already closed for winter :( so we just picked some packaged ice and went to a very nice playground. We stayed there for several hours and came back home.

Sunday was really busy. After breakfast we went to a gallery to pick up a present for my friend, whose housewarming party was in the evening. Then we went to the zoo, ate potato pancaces, the kids went home and we went to the said party. It was really a very nice one (not mentioning the appartment - it's wonderful!) and T. said he really liked my friends. I'm happy to hear this, I was slightly anxious about him not liking my friends, etc. DD was very well behaved all day, even though she didn't want to sleep at all during the day. She fell asleep on our way back home in the car :) and looked so cute.

We talked quite a lot about the kids during the weekend and I have an impression that our communication and stand on that issue is improving very nicely :) I wish this were really true and we could work out not only this, but also any future problem we might encounter.

Misc.

2005-10-28T14:07:00.000+02:00

The enchiladas turned fantastic, they disappeared quickly :) I'm going to try out some other Maxican recipes next week, I really love Mexican food. I didn't bake the cheesecake, though, maybe today, before the kids come.

Yesterday was a the first payday for me after the mat leave (feels good to be earning money again) - we get paid monthly, but the money was on the bank account yesterday already. I think we're going to get a bike for me tomorrow. I haven't had a bike for almost 10 years, so I'm really looking to it. My very own bike :) I'm going to ride it very often, because I've gained weight again, unfortunately. I hope it's going to help and I need to change my eating habits again, because this time I really want to lose weight. You know, the motivation ;)

I felt quite down and clingy yesterday and we even had a fight, but all is great now. I forgot how difficult those first months of living together really are. Setting boundaries, testing those of the other person and all this in a small appartment :) I think we're doing great, though, considering the circumstances. I still have so many unsolved issues that are bothering me, that I sometimes overreact or get too clingy. Usually I'm OK, it's just sometimes, but I see how it can be hard to cope with. I guess I need to find other techniques to help with the anxiety. Hmmm, stitching?? LOL!

SBQ & Christmas presents & Anything that comes to my mind...

2005-10-27T11:08:00.000+02:00

So, I'm going to start answering SBQs again, I've missed them. I am still not stitching yet, but I hope that browsing your blogs, watching all the wonderful progress, answering SBQs and a planned session of stash-fondling (planned for todays afternoon) will do the trick in the end. I know already that most propabely I am going to start stitching Dracolair's Dawn Awakening first. There are no feelings attached to this piece and T. seems to like the draggie (I adore it in the first place) so it's a good candidate. I also think I have it fully kitted, so there should be no problem to just sit down put it on the q-frame and stitch.

Have you ever stitched something as a gift and later realized that receiver doesn’t respect your stitched gift a bit (for example it’s never on show, or you have other reason to suspect that it may even be nonexistent or at least placed in some dark storage room corner)? If so, what have you done? If you’ve been lucky enough to avoid such people what would you do if it’d happen to you?

I consider a giftz "gone" the moment it's been given and try to enjoy my good feeling of having given a hand-made gift and do not ask what happened to it ;) I find it easier this way :) As my stitching is usually very limited by real life, I rarely give stitched gifts. I wish I could do it more often and I hope it's going to happen, but at the moment it just ain't happening. I would like to stitch at least one ornie per child for Christmas, but until I start stitching again, I can't plan it. I would also like to stitch something for T., as unfortunately TW's Tempest got lost in space somewhere. I'm not sure if I'm into stitching him once more or if I just stick to Dawn Awakening.

Speaking of Christmas presents or presents in general... All three kids have birthday withing a month or so. Add Santa and Christmas and T's birthday that is shortly after New Year and you see the necessity to commit a bank robbery ;) I wish all this could be spread over the year more evenly. Originally I wanted to make quilts for the children for Christmas, but I know no way at the moment I could actually finish them. I'd still like to have something hand-made for all of them, just because I think it would be good for them. I just need to think what it should be, especially for an 8yo boy it's not going to be easy.

Sunny weather

2005-10-26T15:05:00.000+02:00

Today we have really great weather, staying at work is really a waste of such beautiful time ;) I wish I could go home just now and enjoy the last rays of October sun, we're going to miss them very soon.

The kids ate sweet pepper yesterday, so I won at least partially. As a revenge they tought DD eat chocolate, sigh. Up till yesterday she actually didn't like sweets and I liked it this way ;) It's so difficult to keep the "no sweets, no TV until 3yo" policy now with older children ;) But it was a very nice day yesterday and also the kids were much better behaved. We're going to get a pumpkin on Friday and let the kids carve it. I've never done it before (Halloween is not very big here), but I think it's going to be great fun. Anything we have to know about carving a pumpkin???

Today I'm going to make veggie enchiladas and maybe cheescake, but we'll see when I'm back home if I still feel like :) I also need to prepare the photos we took at the Baltic sea and put them online, there are some really nice ones, especially of DD.

And yes, it does feel really good when my blog is getting really boring. Boring boring. Boring boring boring. I think I'll be going back to answering some memes soon :)

Life's getting boring...

2005-10-25T11:34:00.000+02:00

I run a danger of getting deadly boring in my blog. yesterday was another good day. I know it's nothing special for most of you, just a day like any other, but I want to gather such days, there have been so few of them in my life in the recent years.

T. picked me up from work, we went grocery shopping together, then picked DD from daycare together and went back home. Boring, normal and simply sweet. We also changed our insurances to a family model (covering all three of us), cleaned the app a bit and talked about holiday planning for the next year again. It seems that I don't have enough vacation time to cover everything we would like to do, but it still looks like we could do most of the things we'd love to do. Thanks God for living in Europe and having 30 vacation days :) The only thing that gets on my nerves is the X-mass thing. I have to take 5 days this year to cover for daycare that is closing. Wasted time, as we cannot go anywhere anyway. I may try to ask a friend to take DD on the 23th and save one day, but we'll see :)

Today the kids are with us, but I don't know what we're going to do. The weather is not very friendly, so we may just stay inside and play some games or draw. I also have an evil plan - try to get them to eating some raw vegetables ;) They usually just eat French fries, spaghetti with butter, pizza or bread with butter. We'll see how it goes.

Weekend

2005-10-24T13:26:00.000+02:00

Weekend turned out to be very nice.

On Friday I went to a Polish party, that turned out to be Polish-Brazilian. There was a Brazilian concert in the bar we met and unfortunately the singer only knew 3 songs which got quite tiring after a very short time. We had great fun nonetheless, but next time we meet somewhere where there's no live music ;) I was home at 1 am on Sat and it felt good to be out for so long. Maybe I'm not that old, after all ;) I'm looking forward to meeting the people I got to know again soon :)

On Saturday we went to the weekly market to get some fruit and vegetable (the best place to get bio stuff) and met our friend D. there. Then T. had to go to his son's birthday and we we went home, drank some wine, ate steaks and baked potatoes and talked, talked, talked... It was really nice. When T. came back, we watched Monthy Pyton and the Holy Grail, drank some more wine and had fun. Even T. ate a bit of steak, but you could see he didn't like it ;) Even though I generally don't eat meat at the moment, sometimes I make an exception and enjoy a piece ;) especially if I'm eating out without T. So I guess we're going to stitck to baked potatoe, baked beans, salad and garlic bread as the vege variation of eating steak, because T. loved those.

On Sunday we met D. again and actually we wanted to see an exhibition (Picasso), but the weather was ugly, DD was fussy, so we stayed home and watched K-PAX instead. Wow, what a great film!!! If anyone knows anything that is similar in athmosphere, topic or in any way, please let me know, we LOVED it!

Yesterday there was also the presidential election in Poland, but I'm not going to say more about it, except that I'm ready to eat or burn my pass. What a shame!

And up again

2005-10-21T11:40:00.000+02:00

It seems that my mood from the last couple of days evaporated and I feel much much better now. At least something and just right for the weekend.
I managed to get the last document for Child Services yesterday, so now I just have to wait for their decision about child support advance for DD. It's not much, but even a bit is better than the nothing STBXH is paying ;)

I have some problems at work, after those 2 years everything seems so difficult. I seem to have forgotten even the easiest things, like hot to debug anything in Visual Studio, etc. I think I need to devote some time to go through all the books that are gathering dust on my shelves, after 3 weeks at work, it's time to get productive. I'm still positive that I'll manage it.

Today I am going out in the evening. I'm a member of a Polish BB and today is the monthly meeting. I know some of the people, but I've never participated in the monthly thingie, so I'm curious about it. T. offered to stay with DD, so that I can go :)

Tomorrow is V.'s (T.'s son) birthday, so T. will be gone whole day. It makes me a bit sad to think that we're not invited, but on the other hand, I somehow understand. Maybe next year :) But because I didn't want to spend whole Saturday alone at home, DD and I are meeting a friend in the afternoon and I hope we'll be having some fun as well :)

I'm not yet sure about Sunday, but I'd like to do something fun with T. We haven't spent a whole day together for 2 weeks now, so I'd really love to.

And today we are getting a new sofa, I think the first piece of real (I mean bigger) furniture we bought together. I can't wait!

October Goals & Co.

2005-10-20T11:15:00.000+02:00

I know it's already Oct. 20th, but I feel the urge to restart setting my monthly goals, so I guess today is as good as any other. I'm still down, even more than yesterday and I even told T. in the morning, that I'm feeling unhappy. We didn't really have any time to talk, which might be good. I just hope the feeling disappears soon. I may also be getting a cold, I have dry cough... This would at least explain my mood, even if it's the thing I need least at the moment.

One of the projects I need to do this term is to write an object-oriented programm, with a proper model-view-controller design. I have been thinking what should I write. A kind of personal diary?? A universal everything-to-everything converter? A simple computer game? Something to archive and manage pieces of information (like CUEcards)? I'd be happy for any advice you might have, anything you've always wanted to have, but couldn't find... I hate writing totally useless software, even for learning purposes.

And now the goals for the remaining October days:

1. Finish gathering the documents for Child Services and report STBXH for not paying child support since July (I only need one more document). I may be elligible for child support advance from Child Services, which means that they would try to track him down and get their money back instead of me. I just need one more document, which I hope to be able to obtain today.
2. Decide what I am going to programm for school and start designing it.
3. Bank.
4. Decide which Microsoft exam I am going to take first and check until when they are going to offer them (with VS.NET 2005 due in November)
5. Talk to Mom about her taking DD during summer holidays next year.
6. Try to track STBXH again and if he's still missing get paperwork done for filing a divorce without his consent (more difficult, more expensive)
7. Bring the remaining documents to DD's daycare (and try to prove I had no income until July - I mean it's easy to prove income, but how to prove NO income??)
8. Start writitng my Master thesis, so that I'll be able to show something in November to my prof.
9. Find a nice recipe for veggie enchiladas and make them.

I think that's more than enough for 10 days, we'll see how I am going to score at it.

sigh...

2005-10-19T15:02:00.000+02:00

I seem to be on a rollercoaster of feelings and moods... I guess it's normal under the circumstances, but tiring nonetheless.

The problems I face usually get solved one by one, life gets easier and steadier, there are no major dangers looming in the future. And I still I feel a bit sad today... I should be happy for what I have, it's so much more than I could hope for. It's not that I miss or want anything, it's just a general feeling. I guess it's the aftermath of what happened before and I hope it's over soon, I mean it should, right?

OK, there's something I really yearn at the moment. This would be quality time, alone with T. As DD's father disappeared from the surface of Earth, we have her all the time at home. At the moment we can't afford a babysitter and we're both too tired on the evenings to go out anyway. My dream would be a couple of days, alone with T. anywhere actually. We plan to go on a 10-14 days long holiday all alone next summer, but it seems so awfully far away at the moment ;) I just want it now ;)

Our short trip to the Baltic Sea we took at the beggining of the month was so wonderful, even though we had DD with us, that I'd love to repeat it immediately. Just the change of scenery made us think about different things and changed so much in our relationship. It's like we have history now, we had been missing so much before.

Next year should be much better, though. We plan to take all the kids to the mountains in Poland in Jan/Feb, then to the sea in summer, go on holiday alone and maybe some more short tripy, if the money allows it. So I just need to survive until January...

I think it's all because I feel so tired at the moment, and there's so much to do... I guess a low-key weekend should do the trick and help me feel happier again.

Thanks so much for your offers to talk about stepkids/etc. issues, I'll write either today or tomorrow :)

Getting used to work...

2005-10-18T12:45:00.000+02:00

Last post got deleted, because T. was not happy with me blogging about him so openly. We talked about it several more times and it seems that he's OK with that now, but for the time being, I'll rather stay away from talking about him ;) There are some things I would like to talk about, but I guess I better keep it private. I would like to talk to someone who has some experience with stepchildren issues. Please write me at gosiuniek AT gmx DOT de or just let me know in the comments and I'll write you. Thanks!

It's my third week at work and I'm slowly getting used to it. It's a really slow process, as the two years were a really long time. But I'm starting to acquire some routines and my computer is finally installed! DD seems to be happy at her daycare, she fusses a bit on Monday mornings, but besides, she interacts well with the children and caregivers. She even seems to miss her daycare at the weekends.

I have started my last term at school and it's going to be a really hard one. I have three big projects to prepare and of course I have to finish my Master thesis until early March. Besides I need to pass some Microsoft exams before January. It seems that my plate is really going to be very full until March. I think I'm going to sit down during the weekend and try to plan all those things somehow. Quite a change after my SAHM life, I must admit.

Besides life is quite OK. It still does hurt a lot and it's going to take years until I feel secure again, but I'm sure I'll manage. I still haven't gone back to stitching, but I hope I'll manage to sqeeze something small before X-mas. I also have Christmas Heirloom Sampler finished, so I may just frame it and be happy ;)

Family picture

2005-10-07T09:24:00.000+02:00

Sorry, no pic :(

Back to somewhat normal

2005-10-04T14:37:00.000+02:00

Well, at least my version of normal.

Today is my first day at work. Which means installing, installing, installing... I hope to be able to do anything productive tomorrow.

Besides, life is tough, but manageable. But everything moves in the right direction.

I still have tons of issues unsolved and surely I'll come here again and again to talk about them. T. has decided he's not going to read my blog so I have a free way to write about everything and anything I feel like.

Now back to work...

September Update

2005-09-25T10:23:00.000+02:00

Not really written in Septmeber, but I wanted to document a couple of things nonetheless. September was a busy month, with DD getting used to going to daycare, lots of paperwork and us both getting used to living together.

Still, it was fun most of the time, the weather was really great and we managed to spend great time outside with the kids. We gathered apples and plums, fed deer with chestnuts and acorns, walked and played.

I also started to go to the church again.

Misc.

2005-08-04T10:35:00.000+02:00

I so miss my stitching. Unfortunately I haven't taken anything to stitch with me, when I was leaving in early July and it will take some time still, until I'm reunited with my stash. I wish I had taken even one small project, sigh... I guess it's a good lesson to never leave without something to stitch, no matter how short you are intending to stay.

I'm going back to Berlin on Saturday and hope to get a lot of things sorted out. I hope I'll be able to move into the new app soon and start unpacking. I hate moving, but I so can't wait to have a home again. This is going my very first own place. Just DD and me. Of course I'm both scared and excited, probabely more scared, but...

I awfully miss T. and from what I know he misses me too. Just 2 more days...

And one more conclusion: I have waaay more friends than I have ever imagined. THANKS for being there!!!

Too much time for thinking

2005-07-29T16:25:00.000+02:00

Staying in Poland, having nothing to do (I didn't even take anything to stitch with me) leaves much too much time for thinking. Overanalyzing would be even closer to the truth. And as I don't want to push this huge load of thoughts, emotions and memories to anyone around me, it'll land in my blog. I'm really grateful for having all of you and the possibility to lean, I hope another post is still OK.

I know that anything I am thinking about is much too far reached and actually I'll have eons of time to think about it again. But I can't help thinking about everything now and I want to get my thoughts out, so that my head won't explode.

T has two children and as you know I have DD. I have always thought that some time in the future I'll have another one, but it doesn't seem as obvious any more. Even if T's children don't live with him, he thinks 3 is enough for us, and he's right. There's no way we could afford another one with my mountains of debt (that STBXH made), and actually none of us is eager to go through diapers again. Even though it seems so obvious, I would still love to give birth to his child. I just can't help it.

Another thing is that DD is so young that if things go well, she'll never remember life without T. He'll play a role ih ner life, I'll never be able to play in his kids' life. I know it's purely theoretical, but it hurts nonetheless. Not much, I already had a stepson through STBXH, but it hurts a bit. And makes me want our own child even more.

And even more important thing I've realised recently. When I was around 18 I fell in love with O. Madly. We were together for 2.5 years, lived together for 1, then he left me. Basically we were just too young for the responsibility and after initial schock we remained friends. But the end of this relationship hurted so badly that I never ever wanted to love anyone that much. Even after those 2.5 years, I loved him so much I was constantly flying, istead of just walking on the ground. I was so insanely happy, which made my mother furious and so deeply unhappy when he left. I have never engaged myself that deeply since then. Not even with STBXH. I did love him and worked really hard to make things work for us, but I never had the feeling of flying. My heart was always guarded safely, in case he left. When my marriage broke, I decided it was a mercy, because at least I wasn't suffering that madly from broken heart. I did feel enormous pain, because of my family breaking, DD not getting the possibility to grow up in an intact family, losing home, etc. but not from a broken heart.

I have never wanted to fall in love that way again. I even warned T some weeks ago, that I'm well-guarded against life inside me and I hope he won't see our relationship as unsatisfactory because of that. I wanted a calm, easy relationship, without much heartache. Without missing someone so much. Without being jealous. Without flying...

Yeah, you guessed right... After nice, calm 8 years, when I managed to guard my heart so well, the walls are starting to fall apart. I do miss like crazy. I fall in love much too fast for my liking. Once or twice I had the feeling my feet didn't touch the ground. I'm scared. So scared, I didn't want this to happen. But after a few days of thinking, maybe it's worth it? Maybe even some weeks, months, years of mad, complete happiness are worth it? It's too late for me to run away anyway. It would already hurt so much...

As I'm staying with my parents for one more week before going back to Berlin, I guess I'll have some more thoughts soon ;) Stay tuned.

Back in Poland

2005-07-26T08:23:00.000+02:00

After two weeks stay in B. I'm back in Poland now for a fortnight.

These have been very intensive two weeks on any level I can think of. I have managed to find an appartment for me and DD (we'll be moving mid-August), get quite a lot of paperwork sorted out. I filed for a divorce (the bad news that it's going to take 1.5 years, sigh - standard time in Germany), sorted things out with my company - I'm going back to work on Oct 1st and made the first step towards getting my debt sorted out. Altogether my STBXH left me with an enormous pile of debt (and believe me I'll rather shoot myself before I give a credit card with my name on it to anyone again) but at least it's over now, no need to be afraid of him again. There's still a lot of paperwork left to do, still no daycare space for DD, etc. but things are starting to get clearer.

As for my relationship with T. Well... Things are almost too good to be true. And I've learnt the hard way, that when things are too good to be true, they usually are too good to be true. I'm thankful for these two weeks, we won't be seeing each other and will have time to digest what happened, I'm just anxious to see the results of this process.

I'm craving security and stabilization so much, the wonderful feeling of having ground under my feet again. But it's a very very long road till there. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger?

DD is coping somehow with everything. She shows some distress, but we try to shelter her as much as we can. Still it's going to be bloody hard for her. New appartment, much smaller than the one we had, daycare, Daddy not at home any more, Mommy disappearing for weeks and then again. I hope she's young enough to go through all this without deeper inner wounds, I'll do my very best to help her.

???

2005-07-09T01:02:00.000+02:00

And now????

I am homeless. Yep, you read it right. My still to be ex husband made lots of debt, I didn't know about and our app was taken today. I didn't know about it, he didn't feel like informing me about this minor fact before I left to Poland. I only took a couple of things for me and DD.

I know I will survive, but I will still have loads of debt and possibly will be forced to file bankruptcy. It's not what I would like to do, but I may not have any other choice. I am coping really well with what happened, I just can't sleep or eat, but that's all. An easy way to lose weight LOL.

I am going back to B. soon, wihout DD who will be staying with my Mom, until I've settled everything and found a place to stay for us. There's someone special taking care of me at the moment, without whose help I'd be in black despair already, I guess (hey, someone very special, if you read this, please know how much I care). I guess next time is going to be bloody difficult, but in the same time I am relieved that I won't have to live with my STBXH again and take his abuse. This is over now.

Now, if only I didn't have to pay back debts, he made in my name, with my credit card, I'd be really happy. Yes, I am naive, very very naive. And I am going to pay for it dearly, but I'll survive.

I may have problems with going online in the future, but I'll try to answer my mail every couple of days. Thanks for being there for me, I'm sure I'll need it again in the next months.

Update, well, kinda...

2005-07-05T13:36:00.000+02:00

Hey, I'm still alive and kicking, maybe even more than before.

Since my last post a lot of things have changed, most have gone even worse and definitely all are adding to the general drama, but I'm not as miserable as before. I am spending this week at my parents, in Poland, to cool down a bit, gather my thoughts again and de-stress. I am sorry I cannot blog about the details, but everything got messy and very personal, and I would hate to harm anyone involved.

The good thing is that I started taking care of myself better and already lost 12 pounds. 25 more to go approx. and I'm happy. I have also started moving much much more and will be getting a bike soon. I can't wait! I am still not in a stitching mood, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, it will come back all alone.

****To my friends****

If you'd like to know more, please write, I lost track of my correspondence.
gosiuniek AT gmx DOT de

A bunch of SBQs

2005-06-19T15:50:00.000+02:00

Because I haven't asnwered them in a couple of weeks, here comes a bunch of questions:

Do you feel the need to stitch a design from a specific designer just to say that you've experienced stitching one of their designs?
I think I have answered this question, when it was asked on the Rotation board, but becaue all the data is still unavailable, I'll do it again.
I usually try to order my rotation by designers, trying not to have multiples by any of them. I just like variety in my stitching and try to replace pieces with a similar one. It works quite well and prevents me from being bored to death by beautiful pieces, whose only fault is that they are just too similar to each other.
I also like being able to say that I've stitched a Chatelaine or a TW ;) I guess, there's a tad of vanity there, but who cares ;) I have yet to finish a real TW BAP or Martina's Mandala, but I know it'll come with time.
I usually try many different designers, because I like variety and challange. I like learning different styles, colour palettes, stitches, design. I am also getting to know the beautiful world of antique samplers, both reproductions and originals, so surely when I go back to work next year, my stash is going to grow and include at least a couple of them :)

What do you like least about cross stitching?
What I like least? Well, I guess that would be frogging and stitching slumps. I usually fudge and very rarely really frog (mostly no one is ever going to notice it), only if it's on crucial parts of the design (like face, etc).
I hate slumping, the feeling that stithing just doesn't make any sense, because you can buy a picture anyway. The feeling that 200 hours put into a design is more than I can afford. Not feeling like touching a needle ever again. I usually slip into slumps either when I'm on holiday which is OK, or when I'm generally very unwell. Those slupms are very hard to overcome.
I also don't like large amounts of backstitching, especially if I left it to the very end. But usually I can motvate myself when there's only backstitching left.

How do you deal a "stitching slump?"
I hate stitching slumps. They usually happen when I'm very unwell psychically and they only make everything worse, because there's nothing I can restort to, to feel any better. It's like feeling to weak to go and find a cure ;) I usually try to read more, because it involves less energy and hope that it's going to go away. I also visit the boards more often and post, go through my stash, my WIPs, think about establishing a new rotation, discuss it on the boards. It helps to know that other people care about me and my stitching ;)

Who am I?

2005-06-14T15:37:00.000+02:00

I decided that the only way to make anything better is to start changing myself. I don't really know yet how I want to change or in which direction I want to go, but I guess I'll find it with time :)

Today is a good day so here comes a list of things I like / I enjoy (in no particular order actually):

- walking with my daughter
- watching her laugh
- snuggling with her
- horseback riding
- stitching
- visiting cities I've never been to
- dancing
- drinking wine with friends
- visiting museums
- visiting zoos, botanical gardens and parks
- long doscussions without much sense
- reading books (recently crappy books)
- any books by J. Chmielewska
- receiving long e-mails
- Lindt Marzipan
- white orchids
- lilies of the valley
- blue and yellow
- honey
- watching cute babies
- Polish soap operas
- Polish books about women belonging to my generation
- discussing culture differences
- hiking in the mountains
- reading about cool scientific projects
- having the evening for myself only
- having passed the exams
- my friends
- earning my own money
- looking good
- skiing
- collecting books about places I've been to
- making lists
- procrastinating
- visiting good libraries

more to come :)

Still breathing :)

2005-06-13T15:42:00.000+02:00

I have been on this roller-coaster ride for so long that I should have got used to it already. Well, I haven't. But I am getting better slowly again and trying to build my life up again from scratches. In fact I occassionaly have good time and fun and since finding the Marriage Builders website I have made some progress. Not much I admit, I am still fighting the fact that my thoughts ressemble maple sirup at the moment. I ams till not sure what my priorities are at the moment and find it even more difficult to implement them.

BUT, I have managed to keep up with the school work. I got a B, A- and a straight A. I still have two exams in the next two weeks, but I'm quite happy with my results. Most probabely I won't have to repeat anything.

I have also started thinking about going back to work in February. There seem to be problems related to this, but I got some good news recently, so I am not worrying about it that much. I am going to refresh my skills though, before going back. It will have been more than 2 years since I last worked, so I am going to really need it. I haven't been completely out of the loop, still going to school, but we all know school does not equal work skills.

I have been in a stitching slump as well recently so no updates on that. But I have picked up a needle again and I hope that I will be able to increase the amount of stitching I get daily to my normal level. I really need it, even though it's not really appealing now.

I hope to be back soon with an update on my continuing recovery :)

Update

2005-06-05T14:34:00.000+02:00

Sorry for being MIA for so long... Unfortunately I can't say I have good news, so I spare you the details. Things are downsliding very fast and I spend my days mainly crying, which turns H very aggressive. Maybe I will be going back to my Mom's soon, I don't know yet.

I wish I had better news, so I won't be updating too often (I don't want to whine here too much).

SBQ

2005-05-19T09:28:00.000+02:00

How many strands of floss to you prefer to stitch with? Why?

I usually stitch with two strands of floss. I like the coverage on 28 and 32ct and using a loop start makes the back neater. Even if the design uses variegated thread, it's always easier to find a way to weave it in.
I'm not very fond of 3 strands, because of anchoring the thread and also railroading. I usually only railroad on the upper thread, but I like them to lie neatly. I also find 3 strands too bulky, unless it's a light colour on dark background (which I try to avoid anyway).

On 32 and 36ct I also like stitching with only one strand. I find it looks very pretty, very delicate and slightly ancient. I am going to stitch Long Dog's The Token with one strand on 32 or 36 ct and I've been eyeing Needle's Conetent Spanish Samplers (flower and geometric) that I would like to stitch with one strand of Vikki Clayton silk on 32 ct. I'm sure they will look very pretty.

Being tagged

2005-05-18T09:54:00.000+02:00

I have been tagged by several people (thank you very much!), but had to think about it a little bit. I have no idea who I should tag, because everyone seems to have already answered. So even though I won't tag anyone, I wanted to let you know that I really liked reading about your dreams, wishes, ideas...

If I Could ...

I have to choose 5 and then complete the sentence, then I get to tag 3 people:

If I could be a scientist . . .
If I could be a farmer . . .
If I could be a musician . . .
If I could be a doctor . . .
If I could be a painter . . .
If I could be a gardener . . .
If I could be a missionary . . .
If I could be a chef . . .
If I could be an architect . . .
If I could be a linguist . . .
If I could be a psychologist . . .
If I could be a librarian . . .
If I could be an athlete . . .
If I could be a lawyer . . .
If I could be an inn-keeper . . .
If I could be a professor . . .
If I could be a writer . . .
If I could be a llama-rider . . .
If I could be a bonnie pirate . . .
If I could be an astronaut . . .
If I could be a world famous blogger . . .
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world . . .
If I could be married to any current famous political figure . . .

If I could be a scientist, I would be reasearching artificial intelligence. I am fascinated by this field of science and I can see the influence it is going to have in the future. Think about the nano-robots that can be injected into the body, who can track and destroy cancer without doing any harm to the patient. Think about systems that can "watch" the environment and send pre-processed waves into the brain of people who cannot see. Think about intelligent cars, that drive all alone and avoid crashes.

If I could be a psychologist I would specialize in Reactive Attachement Disorder. It's a very scary disorder, usually only affecting abused or adopted children. There's very little known about it in Europe, even though almost all post-communist countries experince the effects of it, due to a large number of children raised in institutional care. And no one even tries to help them...

If I could be an inn-keeper, I would have a small inn, in a distant, lonely place. I would offer a possibility to stay there to under-priviledged children. The majority of my guests would look for solitude and contact with the nature.

If I could be a librarian, I would run a nice collection of books previously owned by some very old aristocratic family. The collection would have a special history, full of strange, bizzare and half-mysterious facts (like books and people disappearing suddenly, books given as presents to some out of the wedlock children of kings, etc). The atmosphere could be formly breathed in and there would always be a possibility to find long lost letters, poems, signs of the time...

If I could be a writer, I could describe the worlds that live in my head in such a way that everyone would see them immediately. My books would be full of passion and understanding. Nothing would be as it seems and nothing would end as it's supposed to...

On holiday

2005-05-16T09:48:00.000+02:00

I'm in Poland, visiting my parents, so my schedule is somewhat chaotic at the moment. The journey was fine, even though a bit stressful, because so short before o holiday, the train was full. At least DD had lots of fun with two other toddlers in our compartment LOL. She usually is on her best behaviour with strangers and this time was no different so she was really aahed and oohed for being sweet and well-behaved. If only they knew... LOL

I haven't been stitching in the last days, but as now everyone is at work I have a bit more free time. Not that I should really spend it on stitching, there are only 3 weeks left till my exams, etc. But surely I am going to start Perennial Border, which I'll be doing as a SAL with Karen :) who was so wonderful and sent me the spacialtz threads needed for it as a birthday present. Thank you so much, I really can't wait to start :) and I'm very happy to be able to do a SAL with you :)

I don't know why, but I"m not very find of Martina's Spring Roses. Somehow I don't really like the colours of the middle part, so I'm not sure yet, what to do with it. I have three things (all new starts) with me, Perennial Border, Pacific Rim Sampler (re-start on new fabric) and Above the Clouds. So there"s a nice variety to choose from :)

THANK YOU everyone for tagging me, I am going to answer the questions soon :) I just need a spare minute to sit down and think about the answers :)

SBQs

2005-05-11T19:52:00.000+02:00

I haven't answered any SBQs for three weeks now, so here comes a package. I think I have four insiprations to write about now :)

Given the option, would you rather buy a chart and get the material and floss together yourself, or buy a pre-packed kit?
I like buzing charts and kitting them up myself better. But I must admit that I like thread&bead packs offered optionally by some designers (Victoria Sampler, Janette Douglas, etc.), because they are usually a cheaper alternative to buying whole skeins of pricey threads. I am OK with kits as well, but I swap the fabric, which makes the kits significantly more expensive. I think there should always be an option to buy kits with eavenweave.

What is your opinion of Internet "freebies?"
I love them! They are a wonderful possibility to try out different designers, fibers, etc. Some are a bit simplicistic and I'm not very likely to stitch them, but some are simply splendid. Teresa Wentzler freebies are nicely medium-sized, Chatelaine also offers some that are quite big (90x90 stitches!) and very pretty. I think those are my two favorite freebie designers, but of course there are many more that I enjoy.

Do you finish all your finished pieces? (pillow, frame, etc,) If so, how do you finish the pieces? If not what do you do with them?
I have already answered the question, and nothing changed actually. Some of my finished pieces are still waiting for framing and I stitch very few smaller designers, so I haven"t really tried any fanc finishing, except for ornaments. But I'm going to try!

Do you set stitching goals?
Yes, I usually do. I not always stick to them (especially recently, because of the hicckups in my life), but I set them. I do not post them here, they are on Rotation board. Maybe I'll start posting them here when the percentage of achieved goals stops being so depressing LOL

Culture

2005-05-05T21:32:00.000+02:00

Cathy asked those great question a couple of days ago and I thought it would be great to answer them. I'm going to do it twice, once for Poland and once for Germany. Renée has answered them for Germany already, but Munich and Berlin are like two different planets in universe, so I'm going to do it again :) I hope you don't mind reading kilometeres (or miles ;) ) of answers.

POLAND
What is (roughly) your daily schedule? What time does work begin? What time does it end? How about meal times? Does your country go in for the afternoon rest time?
I usually got up at 6.50 am, washed and ate breakfast. School usually starts at 8 am and univeristy classes are scattered throughout the whole day. Work begins between 8 and 9 and ends at 4-6 pm. There are three major meals in Poland - breakfast which usually consists of bread, ham, cheese, tea or coffee, etc. Then most people take second breakfast to work or school and usually it's a snadwich or a fruit. Lunch/dinner, eaten at around 3 pm is the main meal and traditionally consists of soup and main course (meat, potatoes, vegetable). Supper is between 6-8 pm and is a very light meal, sometimes warm, if people only eat soup for dinner. I like Polish way of eating and despite living in Germany for 6 years my inner clock has never switched to eating my main meal at 6 pm. There's no afternoon rest time in Poland.

What is the predominate language spoken in your country? Are many people bi-lingual?
People speak Polish and it's the mother tongue of 99% of the population. There are some small areas, where other languages are also spoken, but they are insignificant. Younger people speak at least some English and some German near German border. The older learnt Russian at school (including meLOL) but they remember almost nothing. Learning languages is an important part of curriculum and most children start in second grade and add one more language later. Quite a number get afternoon lessons in languages, usually twice a week. Secondary schools with extended second language are very popular (part of the classes is held in another language).

What sports are popular in your country?
Soccer :) It's predominant really.

Are there supermarkets where you live?
Of course :) The nice thing about Poland is that major chains from many countries came there after 1989, so there's really a nice choice, British Tesco, German Real, French Géant or L'Eclerc, you have the choice. My fave is L'Eclerc, for the prices and quality. There are also smaller discount supermarkets, but they are not as popular as in Germany. A number of smaller shops survived and I like them, because they offer better quality of food than supermarkets. Vegetable markets are still existent and well loved :)

Who are the real-life heros in your country?
John Paul II. I can't think of anyone even barely as popular. Sport stars like Adam Malysz, people doing humanitarian work like Janina Ochojska or Jerzy Owsiak. Abroad Lech Walesa, he's not very popular in Poland any more.

Is there a day you celebrate your country? What is the celebration like?
Independence day at November 11th. During XIXth century Poland was disappeared from the maps of Europe for 123 years (divided in three parts among Prussia, Austria and Russia)* and we celebrate regaining the independence. But the celebrations are rather limited, no special traditions as far as I can remember. Of course, there are celebrations at school one day before, also in the TV, etc.

*Shall anyone be interested to read about the mad Polish hisotry I recommend "Gods' Playground" by Norman Davies. It reads like a novel and is quite objective, even though it's not uncontroversial. I think there's also a shortened version of it available :)

GERMANY
What is (roughly) your daily schedule? What time does work begin? What time does it end? How about meal times? Does your country go in for the afternoon rest time?
When I worked I would get up at 6.30 am. I didn't eat breakfast at home, but bought a sandwich at the bakery on the way. I would eat at 8 am while checking e-mail, logging to the system, updating the code on my machine, chatting with co-workers (no cubicles here, yay!). At my job people are allowed to arrive between 8 and 10 am, which they do indeed. We have to work 8.5 hours, 30 minute lunch break between noon and 1 pm included. Usually I would either eat a sandwich or salad or go to a real lunch with co-workers if money wasn't tight. After hours are a norm at my job, so I would usually leave between 4.30 and 8.30 pm. We used to eat dinner together at 6 pm or later, but as mentioned it's too late for me (I gained 50 pounds since moving to Germany). When I'm back at work, I will probabely eat more proper lunch (DD will get fed at daycare) and will eat only very light supper at home. Noon is a bit too early for my liking, but maybe it will work better. No afternnon rest time and quiet time is not observed that strictly.

What is the predominate language spoken in your country? Are many people bi-lingual?
Like Renée mentioned, not many people are biligual. That said, Berlin is an exception. With almost 100,000 Polish people, many more Turkish and countless other nations, many people got bilingual or were born in multi-language families. We restricted our family to two languages - Polish and German, but my friend for example speak Polish with her DD, the father speaks German with DD and she and her DH speak English with each other.

What sports are popular in your country?
Soccer again and Formula 1. Also other sports, like basketball, ice hockey, etc.

Are there supermarkets where you live?
Both supermarkets and disounters. I usually buy at Kaufland which is quite popular in eastern Germany (I live in western part of Berlin now), some things I get at disounters and vegetable at vegetable market, if I remember that it's the day to go vegetable shopping. I am not very fond of fruit and vegetables in supermarket quality and I really try to remember market days (sometimes it's difficult though, as I go to school on Saturdays).

Who are the real-life heros in your country?
I can't say. I dislike Joschka Fischer from the deepest of my soul, I'm very neutral towards the new Pope and really cannot name anyone whom I would see as a hero. Of course other people see it differently, but I cannot comment on that really.

Is there a day you celebrate your country? What is the celebration like?
October 3rd, the day of reuniting of western and eastern parts of Germany. It's quite low key again, mainly celevrated in the TV, schools, etc. Because of the past, it's fairly difficult to be proud to be German and celebrate it.